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The English Language - DVdoctor.community
Enjoy
Paul W. H
Pursue at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (surprise!).
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S.
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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A goodie
Actually, the English Language is the easiest to learn enough to communicate in, but about the hardest to learn well (because of the above, among other things).
John
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It gets worse with the spoken word.
I write with my right hand.
Right?
It's great for crosswords.
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Reminds me of the following:
Q.
"Do you know the difference between sex and the English language?"
A.
"No"
"Then come here and I shall have a word with you"
Harry
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How to Write Good
Or "Do as I say, not as I do"
(plagiarised from a number of sources)
1.
Always avoid alliteration.
2.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.
Avoid clichés like the plague - they're old hat.
4.
Employ the vernacular.
5.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
8.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
9.
Contractions aren't necessary.
10.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
11.
If you must use a foreign term, it is de rigour to spell it correctly.
12.
One should never generalise.
13.
Eliminate quotations.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
14.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
15.
Refrain from being indirect.
16.
Don't be redundant;
Don't use more words than necessary;
It's highly superfluous.
17.
It behoves you to avoid archaic expressions.
18.
Avoid archaeic spellings too.
19.
Understatement is always best.
20.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
21.
One-word sentences?
Eliminate. Always!
22.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
23.
Mixed metaphors are unstable foundations for flights of fancy.
24.
The passive voice should not be used.
25.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
26.
Never insult the bunch of morons that make up your readership.
27.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
28.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
29.
The writer should not annoy half of his readers by using gender-specific language.
30.
Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
31.
Do not use hyperbole;
Not one in a million can do it effectively.
32.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
33.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
34.
Be more or less specific.
35.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
36.
Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
37.
Spelling chequers all ways get it write.
38.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before, avoid being repetitive and don't use tautological pleonasms.
39.
Don't be redundant.
40.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
41.
Don't never use no double negatives.
42.
Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
43.
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
44.
Eschew obfuscation.
45.
No sentence fragments.
46.
Abstraction is to be avoided.
47.
Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
48.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
49.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
50.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more, words, or to their antecedents.
51.
Puns are for children, not for readers who are groan.
52.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
53.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
54.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
55.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
56.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
57.
The adverb always follows the verb.
58.
Always cite the sources of any material you have lifted.
59.
It is recommended that measures should be taken to ensure that the length of sentences is not excessive and that the complexity of said sentences is reduced.
60.
And always be sure to finish what
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Paul, I presume you're talking about American as a language, not English.
English wasn't invented by anybody, it "just growed, like Topsy".
The past tense of dive is dived, not dove.
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana".
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Right. Wright, write 'rite' right, right away
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I don't know about English being a difficult language to pick up, I learnt it at a very early age [img]smile.gif[/img]
Steven
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Yer ded rite mate There wus nuffin 2 it
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