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Dads, Discipline & Family Size - Catholic Answers Forums
Hello,
I would like to hear your thoughts and advice.
We currently have four boys and I would so love to have more children.
The problem is that my husband is quite passive and not a very good disciplinarian.
That worries me with a large family, especially boys.
I think I'm pretty good at firm, but loving discipline, but I feel like it would be better if my husband could step up in that department.
I have a very strong personality and I work hard at not becoming "domineering" with my husband.
I have to really step back if I want him to make decisions, etc.
It would be very easy for me to control and dominate everything if I chose to.
I do not though, because I don't believe it is healthy for my marriage.
It is exhausting to have to be the one to set the limits with my boys all the time.
For example, if I don't put the kids to bed, my husband would let them stay up until all hours of the night.
A common response from him is "so and so won't do it".
If a child chooses not to do something, he won't enact any consequences.
We take mass in shifts because he is embarrassed by the behavior of the younger children, and he doesn't feel able to do anything about how they behave.
(Personally, I think their behavior is age appropriate).
I'd say he feels powerless as a disciplinarian.
We've had many arguments about this and I've made suggestions, but he just doesn't *want* to discipline them it seems.
Another worry related to this topic is that I'm terrified of having more children and having something happen to me.
I don't think my husband could do it without me.
I was very sick after baby #4 and he almost had a nervous break down because he couldn't handle taking care of me, the kids, the house and working.
In some ways I felt a little betrayed because I was so sick, and he was the one who almost lost his mind.
He wasn't a very good support emotionally for me.
I would be remiss if I didn't share what his good qualities are...
He is a good provider and a hard worker.
He is exceptionally kind and affectionate with me and with the children.
He always steps in to change diapers, walk a crying baby around, do the dishes, do the laundry, etc.
He also has a wonderful sense of humor and there is a lot of laughter in our house.
In a nutshell, after observing large families, I'd say order and discipline are key.
But we don't really have that down...
Or at least I don't get any help in that department.
Any insight would be appreciated!
(BTW, we use NFP and even though we are abstaining during fertile times he knows there is always a chance of another baby and he is open to that.
He doesn't actively want to try right now, though.
And I don't feel I'm quite ready from a health perspective.)
Danielle
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What were his ideas of discipline before you had children?
Did you discuss how it would be handled?
What were his thoughts on schedules, discipline, chores and tasks, punishment, etc?
And, now that you do have children what are his beliefs regarding discipline?
Have you sat down togther and discussed it?
(not argue about it when someone is misbehaving...
But rather sat down together and discussed it)
Start there.
Find out what his ideas are on how children should be properly formed in the faith, in obedience, in behavior.
Maybe don't even call it discipline, but formation.
He purposely forms them in the faith (or should be)-- teaching them their prayers, how to be a good Catholic, how to be a good man.
He would never purposely form his child to be a pouty, self-absorbed miscreants...
But his inaction can do that just as much as his action.
Get some parenting books such as Greg Popcak and Dr.
Ray. Watch "Supernanny" episodes.
BOTH parents have to be active in the formation of their children.
If he is just not willing to do so, then work on why-- does he want the kids to "like" him?
Does he want to be their friend?
Is he lazy? Does he believe in letting kids do whatever they want?
Does he have bad memories of his father's discipline and not want to be like his father?
Is he just too tired/busy to take the time to discipline and therefore follows the path of least resistance?
Does he not know *what* to do?
There has to be a reason underlying why he will not take a disciplinary role/stand.
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Quote: :
If he is just not willing to do so, then work on why-- does he want the kids to "like" him?
Does he want to be their friend?
Is he lazy? Does he believe in letting kids do whatever they want?
Does he have bad memories of his father's discipline and not want to be like his father?
Is he just too tired/busy to take the time to discipline and therefore follows the path of least resistance?
Does he not know *what* to do?
There has to be a reason underlying why he will not take a disciplinary role/stand.
Well, his father was an alcoholic and wasn't around much.
He worked alot (functional alcoholic) and my husband basically raised himself.
I think he feels he doesn't know how to discipline properly because he didn't have a good example from his father.
It is not just in the area of discipline.
My husband has a passive personality and dislikes conflict.
This may never change, so is that a reason for not having more children?
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Quote: : My husband has a passive personality and dislikes conflict.
This may never change, so is that a reason for not having more children?
No one can tell you that but you.
Discerning children-- number, timing, spacing-- and whether or not your have a serious reason to avoid is between you, your spouse, and proper conscience formation.
You can seek spiritual direction from your priest.
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Quote: : No one can tell you that but you.
Discerning children-- number, timing, spacing-- and whether or not your have a serious reason to avoid is between you, your spouse, and proper conscience formation.
You can seek spiritual direction from your priest.
Well, I understand that.
But I'm seeking opinions and I'd like to know if anybody has had a similar experience.
I'd like to benefit from the wisdom and experience of others.
I'm not asking anybody to make the decision for me.
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Dear One,
We are all given our crosses...If your husband is open, just trust God on the number of children you should have.
I was in a very similar situation as you.
It is a tough road to be sure!
I basically raised my (9) children on my own.
He provided ,but was emotionally and physically not there for us!
I just prayed he would see all that God had given us but he chose a different path.
My children are the greatest!
My oldest his beautiful wife and 5 living children( 4 in heaven) are considering giving up all they have accomplished so far to work and live as Catholic examples in the Hills of Appalachia...My second oldest is also devoted to God he has a beautiful wife and four children and is a medical doctor..pathologist..My third son is a lawyer and has a wonderful wife and two children..my fourth son is a pharmacist and he and his wonderful wife are expecting their first child any time now!!
My fifth and first girl is a blessing she is so helpful with my 95 year old mother who lives with us ..she has a good Catholic boyfriend and marriage is in her future as soon as he finishes his education..my sixth child has Down Syndrome and is the joy of the family...our seventh child , our second daughter is as good as she is beautiful..our eighth child a daughter is our wonder worker , she is difinitely going to be used by God for great things...her twin sister (our ninth) is dancing and praising with the angels and saints, she left us at 2 days of age...Although we all bear the scars of a poor marriage and lack of a good role model ...God has blessed our family and the fruits are just beginning to be seen..Pray..Hope..Don't worry..God id faithful and His WORD does not return to Him void..read it..live it...claim it...WOW!!!!
Love and prayers for you and your beautiful family!!
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It's hard when it's the dad who is a bit passive, I'm sure.
There is an unsaid expectation that men should be aggressive, etc.
I am more passive with disciplining, and my husband is more of the 'enforcer' of rules, etc.
I am more on top of the kids with homework, morality, religion.
But, the one thing I would drive home to your husband, is that you are both a team.
It really takes you both, helping one another, to help your boys become men.
You can only do so much, and if you just have these discussions often enough, without harping/complaining, you might see the tide turn.
I used to get in the way of my dh handing out punishments, etc...but, over time, we both realized that the kids were getting mixed messages.
That's what your kids are getting between you and your husband...dad doesn't say anything, mom is the 'bad guy.' So, just keep driving home that point...that you are a team, and that you really need his help.
He doesn't need to change who he is, but he definitely needs to be assertive in disciplining.
I'll be praying for you both...
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