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How stupid I am ? and where I am heading to - Japan Forums
How stupid I am ?
Please rate me (1 to 5) and your opinion on where I have done mistake and what is coming for me ....
Here is the story : -
I met my j-wife while we were student and she was engaged with some
J-guy in Japan.
After couple of month good time she dissolve her engagement and be my gf.
This is how it starts.
After 4 years of jig jug relationship, after finishing my school we got married in 2000 and I found a small IT job and moved to
Tokyo.
She was working her home town on that time, after six month she left the job and joined me in Tokyo.
We rented a
small apartment and started our life.
My salary was not enough, so I moved to a good company with a good prospective.
First couple of month she was exited to be housewife and started buying furniture’s and started creating rules at home
to follow, like how I should wash my feet before entering home, how I should clean things so on.
It was irritating to me
and we started having arguments.
I went to China for six month in a job assignment and gave my wife all the financial
control.
I came back and I got back to a kozukai rule and started getting 3man en kozukai from then.
I became Japanese
salary man from that day, she was becoming more and more aggressive from then and our physical relationship ends from there.
Last sex we had in 2001.
My parents back home fall in a trouble, they were seeking financial support.
I was requesting understanding from my wife.
she was cooperative at the beginning and but our argument escalated.
I was not mentally ready to manage either of the
party.
My priority gets diverted and I was doing mistakes like not taking her to dinner or not saying thanks while she coock.
My wife became more aggressive;
Fall in to a full depression.
We became verbally / physically abusive to each other and she was
sometimes threatening to suicide so on.
I was so scarred and was trying to stop her.
She had dream to work at Okinawa, after three years in tokyo.
One she said she is done here and want to
back to okinawa to take exams to be in her dream job.
I supported, she rented a home in okinawa.
She adjusted our financial
system to support both the life from my salary.
While she left, I felt relief and sad both.
I said sorry for all and started going to Okinawa
We were having long distance relationship over the phone, most of the time arguments and recovery.
After 3 years she moved to okinawa, I found her frustration of life is not changing.
I wanted to give her some good life.
We
bought a home in a resort area near to her mothers home.
Now she is leaving there for last three years and I am in old small home in tokyo.
I visit her place several times a year.
Current situation.
1.) Kids : no kids and plan for it
2.) Emotional situation : She blames me for all the bad things happen to her.
Threaten to divorce while she is upset (but does not realy make any action towards divorse) and I don't follow her rule.
I feel so lonely and lost
3.) Career: She was not able to pass the exam to get her dream job and she looks gave up and may be trying to find new aim.
I am doing good job to maintain current expense structure
4.) Financial : I still live with Kozukai, savings are under her control.
She saved well and we have only 10 years mortgage.
5.) Intimacy: We plan for overseas travel together once a year, no sex.
Have frequent phone conversation
6.) Other Opinion: If things goes the way she want, no issue
7.) Future: I don't know.
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Well, are you happy?
There seems to be nothing really keeping you in the relationship.
You will be a lot better off than her if you get a divorce.
You make the money and she doesnt.
You should find someone that makes you happy, not stay with someone who all you do is fight with.
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Waste of precious life.
I would personally have been a mile away the first time someone tells me how to wash my feet when coming home, let alone keep going and give financial control to that person.
It all sounds really mental to me.
And you obviously are not happy, as then you wouldn't be posting your troubles online.
And some smartass will most likely write a comment how that is how things work in Japan, and I will call bullshit on it.
I can see where you're coming from.
Almost a decade of relative co-existence is not an easy task to brush under the carpet, but maybe that is what you should be doing.
You should've stopped everything much earlier when the warning signs were in the air, but since that did not happen, there's no reason to cry about a beer that has already been drank.
Take back the control on your own life, pick up the pieces and move on.
You only live once and seems to me there's a decade already missing.
Sincerely,
The Internet Advice -guy.
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Perfect word in Japanese for you is "Aho" BAKA is kinder.
My wife of 36 years says, "AHO" is perfect word for you.
Rate: 0 to 5 = -5
What went wrong?
She had a b/f. She was a USED woman.
Used woman are to be used, not loved, not to give control of money,...
NOT ANYTHING.
Can you fix your marriage?
You already tried to fix many time but still something is wrong dispose the junk, and pay the FINES....!
What is coming for you?
Why worry about, what is coming.
You live with it, MORE MISERY You are that dumb..!
Divorce her you FOOL.
START NEW...
Aho.
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Speaking from experience: I had a marriage where I handed over my entire paycheck for a majority of my marriage, saw about 30,000 yen a month.
I now suspect that wife was also stashing money away in a slush fund (hesokuri) You have no guarantee she is not doing the same, saving for a rainy day or she bails out of her marriage.
What she is doing is being emotionally manipulative, and if she really wanted to commit suicide she would have done it by now and if they are attempts then it means they are not really trying IMO.
Jumping off a tall building or in front of a train is usually fatal and the result is the same.
She only does that to push your buttons and to get what she wants, which is simply a cry for attention.
She knows she can wrap you around her little finger once she she cries 'suicide'.
Maybe you should have told her to go ahead.
I told my wife that Im not required to support or pay for her life till death do us part or owe her a living even though she tried to put that over me because we had kids.
She is an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions rather than simply blame you.
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Quote: : How stupid I am ?
Please rate me (1 to 5) and your opinion on where I have done mistake and what is coming for me ....
1.) Kids : no kids and plan for it I would not bring any kids into the world where parents cant seem to spend time in the same room together without fighting.
Quote: : 2.) Emotional situation : She blames me for all the bad things happen to her.
Threaten to divorce while she is upset (but does not realy make any action towards divorse) and I don't follow her rule.
I feel so lonely and lost and she sounds incredibly immature and insecure.
You feel lost because you are married to a woman who cant seem to make up her mind about you.
Also the stuff about buying furniture and being a housewife- its called playing a role such as 'the newly married Japanese housewife'.
Just wait till kids come along and she adopts the 'okaasan' role and you have to fund the whole deal.
Quote: : 3.) Career: She was not able to pass the exam to get her dream job and she looks gave up and may be trying to find new aim.
I am doing good job to maintain current expense structure and I'm sure she says its all your fault she can't pass the exam.
Supporting two households will drive you broke.
It's almost done the same to me.
Quote: : 4.) Financial : I still live with Kozukai, savings are under her control.
She saved well and we have only 10 years mortgage.
And you have become totally emasculated, having to go to her with your hand out for money that YOU have earned.
She treats it as HER money.
Quote: : 5.) Intimacy: We plan for overseas travel together once a year, no sex.
Have frequent phone conversation Did you make a vow of celibacy when you married?
I sure as hell didn't.
Quote: : 6.) Other Opinion: If things goes the way she want, no issue
How convenient.
Whats in the marriage/relationship for you?
What do YOU get out of it?
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1. You don't live together.
2.
You don't have sex.
3.
You give her all your money.
4.
She doesn't work, lives off your money.
5.
You communicate by phone through fights and make-up.
Start sending me your paycheque, I'll call you a couple times a week on skype.
We could have the same relationship.
Seriously though, sounds like you have a level head, and have tried to help her, work things out etc but, it hasn't helped.
In terms of dumbness though....
I'm with the previous poster putting you at -5.
Time to think about cutting your losses now, and moving on.
I don't know how a divorce affects your visa status, and if you care, but you need to do something.
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Quote: : 1. You don't live together.
2.
You don't have sex.
3.
You give her all your money.
4.
She doesn't work, lives off your money.
5.
You communicate by phone through fights and make-up.
Start sending me your paycheque, I'll call you a couple times a week on skype.
We could have the same relationship.
Seriously though, sounds like you have a level head, and have tried to help her, work things out etc but, it hasn't helped.
In terms of dumbness though....
I'm with the previous poster putting you at -5.
Time to think about cutting your losses now, and moving on.
I don't know how a divorce affects your visa status, and if you care, but you need to do something.
Very succinct summary Sir.
Plus one here.
OP what's keeping you with this woman?
Also, what does "very jig jug relationship" mean?
Did you get jig on her jugs?
Are her jugs the force which has you handing over the pay checks?
In summary, I suppose what I'm asking here is does she have nice jugs?
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
G.
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First.. Before you do anything else..
Do some research..
Find out if/where she is stashing money and make damned sure to get some or all of it to someplace you can control..
Right now it seems you have NOTHING..
If you break up she takes off with every cent of YOUR hard earned money that's been saved.
Its one thing to go 50/50 in a divorce, its something else to just let her talk away with everything..
THEN, and ONLY THEN..
Put it on the line to her..
Tell her you can't live like this anymore, get her ___ back into your house, give you some damned SEX when you need it and that your NOT living on stipend any more.
Show her some BACKBONE..
You're probably gonna leave her anyway if this doesn't happen so why not give it a shot.
Chances are she won't accept it, but hey..
At least you tried..
You gave her the option to lead a normal life with you..
This advice is worth every cent you paid for it..
:-P
lol..
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One thing looks very sure, doing nothing is not an option any more, I may give a last warning shot after gathering all the information.
and see how it turns out.
Thanks again.
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Quote: : Perfect word in Japanese for you is "Aho" BAKA is kinder.
My wife of 36 years says, "AHO" is perfect word for you.
Actually in Osaka it's the other way around.
"Aho" is preferred whereas "baka" has such a strong connotation you don't hear it as often.
Quote: : She was a USED woman.
Used woman are to be used, not loved, not to give control of money,...
NOT ANYTHING. Hold her up there, homestar!
What does this mean, a "used woman"?
Sounds like an old Bible movie or something.
If you mean a slut, then say a slut.
Don't say "used" when it just sounds like a woman who has had a boyfriend, or just about every girl over the age of 12 or 13 is USED.
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She's manipulating you.
She will always beat you in this regard, so just man up and end this dead relationship.
Quit funneling your money to this sponge, don't fire any warning shots, and quit feeling sorry for her.
I'd be in your shoes now if I hadn't grown a sack and ditched my first manipulative jbitch.
Thanks for the nightmares I'll have tonight just thinking about it.
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Quote: : How stupid I am ?
Please rate me (1 to 5) and your opinion on where I have done mistake and what is coming for me ....
Here is the story : -
I met my j-wife while we were student and she was engaged with some
J-guy in Japan.
After couple of month good time she dissolve her engagement and be my gf.
This is how it starts.
After 4 years of jig jug relationship, after finishing my school we got married in 2000 and I found a small IT job and moved to
Tokyo.
She was working her home town on that time, after six month she left the job and joined me in Tokyo.
We rented a
small apartment and started our life.
My salary was not enough, so I moved to a good company with a good prospective.
First couple of month she was exited to be housewife and started buying furniture’s and started creating rules at home
to follow, like how I should wash my feet before entering home, how I should clean things so on.
It was irritating to me
and we started having arguments.
I went to China for six month in a job assignment and gave my wife all the financial
control.
I came back and I got back to a kozukai rule and started getting 3man en kozukai from then.
I became Japanese
salary man from that day, she was becoming more and more aggressive from then and our physical relationship ends from there.
Last sex we had in 2001.
My parents back home fall in a trouble, they were seeking financial support.
I was requesting understanding from my wife.
she was cooperative at the beginning and but our argument escalated.
I was not mentally ready to manage either of the
party.
My priority gets diverted and I was doing mistakes like not taking her to dinner or not saying thanks while she coock.
My wife became more aggressive;
Fall in to a full depression.
We became verbally / physically abusive to each other and she was
sometimes threatening to suicide so on.
I was so scarred and was trying to stop her.
She had dream to work at Okinawa, after three years in tokyo.
One she said she is done here and want to
back to okinawa to take exams to be in her dream job.
I supported, she rented a home in okinawa.
She adjusted our financial
system to support both the life from my salary.
While she left, I felt relief and sad both.
I said sorry for all and started going to Okinawa
We were having long distance relationship over the phone, most of the time arguments and recovery.
After 3 years she moved to okinawa, I found her frustration of life is not changing.
I wanted to give her some good life.
We
bought a home in a resort area near to her mothers home.
Now she is leaving there for last three years and I am in old small home in tokyo.
I visit her place several times a year.
Current situation.
1.) Kids : no kids and plan for it
2.) Emotional situation : She blames me for all the bad things happen to her.
Threaten to divorce while she is upset (but does not realy make any action towards divorse) and I don't follow her rule.
I feel so lonely and lost
3.) Career: She was not able to pass the exam to get her dream job and she looks gave up and may be trying to find new aim.
I am doing good job to maintain current expense structure
4.) Financial : I still live with Kozukai, savings are under her control.
She saved well and we have only 10 years mortgage.
5.) Intimacy: We plan for overseas travel together once a year, no sex.
Have frequent phone conversation
6.) Other Opinion: If things goes the way she want, no issue
7.) Future: I don't know.
Oh My.
And we think all you stupid English "Teachers" ( knowing snickers all around ) are easy target rubes.
Well, here's one for the Anglophones.
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I am with Jron. Do your homework thoroughly.
Be very careful however you decide to end it (assuming you do).
As for the rest, I guess I am the dissenter here.
I don't think you are a fool at all even though many mistakes were made.
You have kept on for one heckuva long time.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF CLASS in my opinion, but it seems like it's time to move on.
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Seattlegirl ,
Really?
Baka is a favored word.
Unfortunately you misunderstood.
That isn't unexpected since I was directly sending a message from a Japanese male to Japanese male.
Also, Seattlegirl, any person that say “slut” to a wpman is disrespecting their own mother got it.
Also, as always, story has 2 versions.
I prefer to believe a person that will not whine and be accountable.
By the way next week my wife and I will be in the Sea Tac areas we're going to walk from the airport to dntwn Seattle give my wife your encouragements.
Take care.
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Quote: : Seattlegirl ,
Really?
Baka is a favored word.
Unfortunately you misunderstood.
That isn't unexpected since I was directly sending a message from a Japanese male to Japanese male.
Also, Seattlegirl, any person that say “slut” to a wpman is disrespecting their own mother got it.
Also, as always, story has 2 versions.
I prefer to believe a person that will not whine and be accountable.
By the way next week my wife and I will be in the Sea Tac areas we're going to walk from the airport to dntwn Seattle give my wife your encouragements.
Take care. I`m sure she will make sure to give her commiserations for being married to such a nasty man as you.
Also the OP is -not- a Japanese male - as his story made clear.
So you can keep your"you don`t understand what us Japanese males are talking about" attitude.
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Quote: : Seattlegirl ,
By the way next week my wife and I will be in the Sea Tac areas we're going to walk from the airport to dntwn Seattle give my wife your encouragements.
Take care. LOL from SeaTac to downtown Seattle is about 13 miles, dude.
If you want to run a half marathon there are more enjoyable events, especially ones that don't involve luggage.
Good luck with that.
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Quote: : Seattlegirl ,
Really?
Baka is a favored word.
When I lived in Osaka, I was told by everyone to use "aho" unless I was very serious.
I was always told that "baka" is too harsh in the Kansai area.
My J-husband, a born and raised Osaka native, agreed.
He would playfully call me "aho-chan" when he wanted to tease me.
But never in a million years, no matter how angry he was, would he EVER have called me "baka" since it was so rude.
That's my experience.
Mileage may vary.
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Quote: :
She was a USED woman.
Used woman are to be used, not loved, not to give control of money,...
NOT ANYTHING.
Also, Seattlegirl, any person that say “slut” to a wpman is disrespecting their own mother got it.
Also, as always, story has 2 versions.
I prefer to believe a person that will not whine and be accountable.
HAHAHA!
I love how you will call women USED but object to my use of the word "slut" that was not directed at anyone specifically.
Priceless.
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Quote: :
What went wrong?
She had a b/f. She was a USED woman.
Used woman are to be used, not loved, not to give control of money,...
NOT ANYTHING. ???
WTF ??? What woman in Japan HASN'T had a boyfriend..
This makes practically every woman in Japan USED...
I'm sure you might find the occasional tire-biter or two who would fit this bill but certainly not anyone attractive..
If this is what you expect you better go look in some country where every woman is a virgin until marriage..
Go to Iran or something...
Not Japan..
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Jron,
;
You haven't an idea what you are missing.
Obviously not much.
More power to you.
Just don;t regret it and take a permanent spills....
Watch out for unexpected gift Japan is becoming famous for HIV-AID
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Seattlegirl,
My wife is one tough cookie...
One of those quiet country girl...
Years ago I had casually told her about my friend & I running away from home to Seattle and walked.
She want to experience it.
Piece of cake for her!
We have aged but not up the creek yet - we jog 7 miles in the morning & 7 more in the eve.
No doubt she will have tricks planned.
Laughter might keep us going past the 50th.
Before I forget.
Belated congratulation!
Let him know how fortunate he is to have you.
No comments regarding Aho or Baka, except I am in agreement when lovingly expressed, very romantic.
Thanks Seattlegirl for this privileged moments.
MATA AIMASHO. YOROSHIKU.
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Disrupting thread, sorry.
You would go 13 miles from an airport to the city (with luggage)?
That's just nuts.
Are you bringing a camera crew or something?
Hey, if you are successful, I challenge you to Edmonton's (Alberta, Canada).
Then you could go to Bali and try Denpasar to Kuta Beach.
Finally, you could try to make your way from the Bangkok airport to downtown Bangkok in the daytime in July.
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Thanks to all who has given very valuable advice.
I am more more confident to make some earthquick that really feels.
however still feeling sad that it is so strange in life that sometimes we may need to be hard to somebody who we cared for.
If possible, may I ask info from who has divorce history.
About what triggered you make the ulitimate decission.
And how you made the action.
what are the consequnce you and your ex-wife faced during and after the divorce.
Legaly, emotionaly, financialy.
How long it took and
how you recovered.
Sorry to ask your personal info.
But I think we should learn from each other
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Quote: : Seattlegirl,
My wife is one tough cookie...
One of those quiet country girl...
Years ago I had casually told her about my friend & I running away from home to Seattle and walked.
She want to experience it.
Piece of cake for her!
We have aged but not up the creek yet - we jog 7 miles in the morning & 7 more in the eve.
No doubt she will have tricks planned.
Laughter might keep us going past the 50th.
Before I forget.
Belated congratulation!
Let him know how fortunate he is to have you.
No comments regarding Aho or Baka, except I am in agreement when lovingly expressed, very romantic.
Thanks Seattlegirl for this privileged moments.
MATA AIMASHO. YOROSHIKU.
I love this guy. He runs over half a marathon every day.
He only bangs virgins.
And I have absolutely no clue what he's writing.
Stick around EichoKago, you make my day at the office so much brighter.
...
Half a marathon....
ps.
Sorry, I was repetitive, but I'm not a Japanese male.
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Quote: : Japan is becoming famous for HIV-AID LMFAO!
Is this the 2009 motto for the "Welcome to Japan Pamphlet".
Thanks for the heads up Dr.
Thomas Frieden.
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Trichophyton-in-my-pants.
You need me to keep you laughing....
YOU are the joke FOOL.
So far away from home, busting your ___ for peanuts and raking craps to make ends meet in a country that is using you.
YOU are the CONVENIENCE gaijin slave to be discarded at will....
You want more gaijin?
Who is the slave for GOOD OF JAPAN....
Can you complain to the Government....
Who do you bow to....
Why do you take all that craps, because you aren't qualified for ANY BETTER JOB IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY....
Want more?
RonBurgundy',
So you know lmfao.
Don't whine like a fool later
Super Grover,
Luggage?
Sent ahead... Come join us and show us
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Quote: : Trichophyton-in-my-pants.
You need me to keep you laughing....
YOU are the joke FOOL.
So far away from home, busting your ___ for peanuts and raking craps to make ends meet in a country that is using you.
YOU are the CONVENIENCE gaijin slave to be discarded at will....
You want more gaijin?
Who is the slave for GOOD OF JAPAN....
Can you complain to the Government....
Who do you bow to....
Why do you take all that craps, because you aren't qualified for ANY BETTER JOB IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY....
Want more?
RonBurgundy',
So you know lmfao.
Don't whine like a fool later
Super Grover,
Luggage?
Sent ahead... Come join us and show us wow..
So what rock did this guy crawl out from under and just why the hell would he even be living in Japan with opinions like his?
I think he would be much happier in Africa in a place where all the virgin girls get their genitalia mutilated and everyone else has aids..
It would be nice if his rants made any sense..
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[Quote: =EichoKago;857697]Trichophyton-in-my-pants.
You need me to keep you laughing....
YOU are the joke FOOL.
So far away from home, busting your ___ for peanuts and raking craps to make ends meet in a country that is using you.
YOU are the CONVENIENCE gaijin slave to be discarded at will....
You want more gaijin?
Who is the slave for GOOD OF JAPAN....
Can you complain to the Government....
Who do you bow to....
Why do you take all that craps, because you aren't qualified for ANY BETTER JOB IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY....
Want more?
Eicho, you are a totally amoral jiji.
Hey did that girl who was contemplating hostclub work end up PMing you?
Do share, we all need non-linear gossip.
Kind regards
Dr Paul
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Quote: : Trichophyton-in-my-pants.
You need me to keep you laughing....
YOU are the joke FOOL.
So far away from home, busting your ___ for peanuts and raking craps to make ends meet in a country that is using you.
YOU are the CONVENIENCE gaijin slave to be discarded at will....
You want more gaijin?
Who is the slave for GOOD OF JAPAN....
Can you complain to the Government....
Who do you bow to....
Why do you take all that craps, because you aren't qualified for ANY BETTER JOB IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY....
Want more?
RonBurgundy',
So you know lmfao.
Don't whine like a fool later
Super Grover,
Luggage?
Sent ahead... Come join us and show us Well it is a relief to know that you have no luggage.
That would be quite a sight!
Nah, walking/running from an airport is not my thing.
I will cycle 65 km on Sunday morning , though.
The Edmonton International Airport is 30 km (at least) south of central Edmonton.
I wouldn't advise a winter trek, however.
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