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Worried that I'm never going to find anybody to love - Somni-Forum
Okay I don't know why I am the way I am, but I haven't (since puberty) had a serious girlfriend.
For a period of time, I had a girl that I fooled around with (about a year).
After it ended (because i left for college), I realized that I had actually cared about her, but she had already gotten pregnant & had a boyfriend so i couldn't return to that.
Since then anyways, I've not been even slightly interested in creating any sort of relationship with the opposite sex.
Occasionally I'll have a sexual expeirence, but I NEVER try to make a relationthip happen.
I don't know what it is, but it's just not something that I seem to care about.
The problem is, I know that I really DO care about it.
I know that I won't be happy later in life if I don't find a woman to share it with & to have children with, but I never try to involve myself with anybody.
All the steps seem almost like a playbook & not real.
I hate being fake, so I don't do it.
I don't know where I'm going here, but I wanna know if anybody else has had this sort of problem, & if it's just me, the opiates, or other people too?
Truthfully I haven't cared about creating & maintaining relationships of any kind since I left high school.
Weather brother to brother, son to parents, friend to friend, or anything.
I just don't care about maintaining relationships what's wrong with me?
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23 views and zero responses sorry homes, you're on your own with this one.
lol Im not a relationship expert, just have some observations is all.
If you can't be fake and play the game, you're going to have a very hard time with this.
It's the same problem I have always had as well, I dont have time, inclination, or much tolerance for bullshit and games that are so typical.
Which eliminates about 98% of available females.
You're going to have to find one just as strange to the norm as you are, and see what happens.
You pretty much HAVE to play some of the games at first, it really is a required part of establishing a relationship, its kind of like establishing who each of you are and what you're about.
Coming out and saying htis or that just doesnt work, has to be done blah blah blah you get the idea
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First - you have to be OPEN to a relationship to have one or even attract someone interested in a relationship.
personally i just think you haven't met anyone who you want to have a relationship with.
or it could be that you are still pining for that girl you once had a relationship with...
but don't worry - once you meet the RIGHT person it will just happen naturally if you are open to it...
you do NOT have to play games.
Women prefer men who are honest and open.
Just be yourself - there is someone out there for you - you just haven't met them yet.
myself, i am very picky about people.
I have gone years without relationships and then one day - it just happens!
also, you may just not be ready for a relationship.
And then again opiates can blunt feelings and emotions with high doses;
And even make you not care about sex...
also stop telling yourself that you DO NOT want a relationship.
Instead tell yourself that you are open to a relationship and the right person is out there and you will meet soon.
could be you are programming your mind to not be open to relationships...
And also women can pick up on this - so when you are more OPEN to a relationship it will be much more likely to happen
This post has been edited by ratgirldjh : Oct 6 2009, 12:47 PM
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I think that ratgirl has pretty much nailed things as far as Greendaze goes.
My following comments are actually more a follow up to her comments than advise for Greendaze.
Quote:
first - you have to be OPEN to a relationship to have one or even attract someone interested in a relationship...
just be yourself...
could be you are programming your mind to not be open to relationships...
And also women can pick up on this
This more than anything is the big stumbling block for so many guys.
I have mentored a lot of adopted lill brothers and sisters over the years and failing to make the connections that ratgirl makes above is an absolute killer for any kind of personal growth.
People love to latch on to, "Just be your self!", as meaning change nothing.
Not so! Most people are carrying around a tone of baggage, at least some of which they could dump.
Someone that has been actively looking for a relationship for a long time without success obviously needs to change something.
In fact, they need to become more themselves.
Become more honest with yourself and start fixing things in your life that you are unhappy with and people will start reacting to you differently, (and you will be much more content).
Back to Greendaze: I would guess that you are in fact programming your self "No relationships!" And it sounds as though you have been doing it for so long it is a core directive, written in on such a basic level that you can't detect it at all experientially.
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Quote:
and then again opiates can blunt feelings and emotions with high doses;
And even make you not care about sex...
Yeah, Ratgirl covered pretty much all the bases.
The opiate thing is way true for a lot of people - maybe more.
The only other thing I can say is, some people just aren't into relationships.
A late friend off mine was like that - never had a steady girlfriend.
He'd find one or two to mess around with - friends with benefits - who didn't want a relationship either and it worked out fine - he was one of the happiest guys I've known
So, really, I don't see anything wrong with you - Like ratgirl said, you gotta let things happen.
I mean, if you see a cute girl that seems nice, just say hi - you don't have to stop and talk with her right there, but it lets her know you're interested and noticed her.
Trust me, I'm intensely shy, and I know how hard it can be, so I have to add a disclaimer that I usually had some liquid or other sort of courage going LOL
J
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I believe your around my age, and if that's true you really have all the time in the world to find the girl that you want.
To parrot what others are saying for emphasis: if you are in love with opiates it will be much harder to fall in love with anything else.
It takes up your attention that would otherwise be focused on your potential love interest.
I think the evidence is in the fact that you've admitted to neglecting ALL of your current personal relationships.
An opiate habit also isn't exactly something that most women put into the "pro" column when considering a relationship.
Also consider that addiction isn't conducive to MAINTAINING a relationship.
If she doesn't have a habit she won't understand, if she does have a habit...
Well, although I've heard of it happening I've personally never seen two addicts stay together for long.
Although I'm sure that you will be able to find a girl under the current circumstances, if you want increase your availability I'd consider dropping the habit altogether or at least to a level that isn't noticeable.
In my experience girls that are into "junkies" (or what people perceive as Junkies) aren't really the type of girls you want to get serious with.
They are more often then not a bit *off-balanced*...
Not to say we're not, but still...
What would be better?
A girl that brings unwelcomed drama or no girl at all?
I'm just letting you know what I've seen.
Luckily, I'm the exception to my own rule, hah.
Besides, if you really want to find a good girl GD you are in the perfect place.
College has a very high density of available women I'm sure that in a year I'll be responding to a post from you titled "Get all these crazy women off me"
This post has been edited by Karmacrab : Oct 7 2009, 05:22 PM
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GD
I am almost exactly...in the same position...
From the girlfriend in high school to not caring after....and only having sexual relationship(s) since I wonder the same thing(will I ever find someone to actually love).
Chris
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If drugs do one thing exceedingly well, it's destroy relationships.
A drug counselor told me that, and I take it to be a matter of fact.
Even if you don't have a spiralling out of control habit, the drug of choice begins to preoccupy more of a person's time and attention.
That time and attention is then harder to spend elsewhere.
In other words, it's hard to be in love with a chemical and another person at the same time.
Usually one or the other wins.
At least in my experience.
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Quote:
I don't know where I'm going here, but I wanna know if anybody else has had this sort of problem, & if it's just me, the opiates, or other people too?
Here's my two cents...
I had the same feelings for quite some time, although I was already married.
I often wondered if this was all just some big game that I was playing, or if this is/was something that I was doing simply because this is what was expected and this is how things are to be done.
Last February I decided to quit the self medication for my chronic pain, and see a "professional" pain specialist.
Come to find out (I told the doc my long and deep opiate history) all of the opiate use actually lowers testosterone levels.
He put me on weekly injections of testosterone, and I feel totally different about relationships, intimacy and sex now.
Wow, what a difference that made.
If you have a personal physician, have your levels checked.
I never thought that that was, or ever could be an issue, but it was.
Just ask my wife!
I do hope for the best for you, GD.
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Quote:
Truthfully I haven't cared about creating & maintaining relationships of any kind since I left high school.
Weather brother to brother, son to parents, friend to friend, or anything.
I just don't care about maintaining relationships what's wrong with me?
GD,
I have no idea why I haven't seen this sooner.
But I think everyone's responses are so true and important to listen to.
But I need to say,there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
So ,please don't even say that or do that to yourself.
Plus I honestly believe love and relationships can't be something you plan.
Anyone who has been in love or is in love will tell you it happened when they least expected it.
Definitely did for me.
I fought it every step of the way.
But I'm so glad I didn't fight to long and too hard.
I'm madly in love and have been forever.
It will happen for you.Don't get worried or get hung on the "when",,That's something none of can control darlin.
Hugs
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Late reply and lots of good advice given already, esp from ratgirl, but here is some of mine anyway.
Quote: All the steps seem almost like a playbook & not real
That is exactly because they are not.
I don't know what Psych doc said this so no reference, but he basically said that 98% of the things we do in life are to attract a mate.
This includes things such as how you dress, how you style your hair, how often you brush your teeth, ect.
Weather you want to believe it or not GD there are many steps one must take in order to find a significant other.
JR gave a great example of just saying "hi" to a girl, as you should be the one to initiate a conversation.
Even dancing is a socially acceptable form of seduction.
See what I mean? You don't have to play the game the same way as everyone else, but you do have to play.
(great book called "games people play" you should check it out, it could be very helpful to you.
I forgot who said it but if you don't want a relationship then one will most likely not happen.
Women pick up on non-verbal ques much more easily then men, and can sense how you are feeling without you saying a word.
So if your mind is focused on not hooking up, it won't happen.
HOWEVER, when you reach a place when you feel comfortable in your own skin and are able to enjoy interesting/fun activities by yourself, then women will pick up on that.
Before you know it, they will ask you out!
BTW you seem pretty depressed lately, are you doing anything about that?
I think you should if you are not.
Also the person that mentioned college is the place to hookup is quite correct.
At no other point in your life will you be around so many people your own age.
Take advantage of that if you can, because brother after college it becomes SO much more difficult to meet women your own age.
Be good to yourself, enjoy your own company, and that special someone will be there, that is how it always seems to happen to me and my friends.
Be well brother.
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Good or bad I'm quite happy not to have a mate at this time in my life.I have too many issues to deal with just attempting to get my life and finances in order to consider putting all that on someone else.Sure I get lonely at times but a relationship is not the main driving force at this time.Been married..No kids(thank god) and have had more than enough bad girlfriends than I can mention.GD..You have youth on your side.True love always seems to pop up when you least expect it.I stopped playing "The Game " some time ago and seem to attract more than before...But love hasnt hit me in some time.Maybe age has something to do with it cause from 18-40 I was mad for it...and had a tough time distinguishing between love and lust.
Feeling down..Listen to "Somebody To Love" by Queen
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