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I am bi-sexual. - SFWED Remember It Hurts Community

I am sitting here reading the title I just put in, and I can't believe I have that typed out. I.

Am. Bi-sexual. It sounds so weird.

But I could no longer deny what I've felt inside for so incredibly long.

I've always been attracted to men, and I am happily married.

I love sex with him, and there is no problem there.

We're happy and very truthful with eachother about everything.

He doesn't know about this though.

I am just NOW fully "coming out" to myself about it. Despite being attracted to men, I've always been attracted to women as well. It took me a long time to decipher if it was because I wanted that connection with another female or if I was actually physically attracted.

Both are correct.

I find myself looking at the details of a woman. I look at her body.

Her breasts. Her face, hips, lips and teeth.

I look at her back...everything.

I imagine myself close to her.

Emotionally and physically. And I will admit: I want to make love to a woman.

(Ok, I'm bordering panic attack right now!

I can't believe I'm typing this.) Yes, I want to physically be with a woman.

I want to kiss her...

Really kiss her. I want to feel her body and then feel her body next to mine.

I want to feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest. My husband is open to a threesome, and we have seriously discussed it.

The only thing holding me back...I don't want anything to happen to our marriage.

Other than that I'm open to it.

He's even said that he'd like to see me with another woman.

In bed. I want to see that happen!

I think deep down my husband knows I'm curious, and he's ok with that.

We've discussed sexuality before and sex in general, so there're no barriers on communication.

But this....actually admitting to myself that I'm bi. I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Literally. Why is it so hard to admit what you feel in your heart??

Yes, I like women.

I look at women. And yes, I fantasize about sex with women.

Wouldn't know where to begin...but that's another story. I don't know what else to say, but I'll say it again: I am bi-sexual.

There. Now all of you know, and I know.

That's it. And now excuse me while I keel over and die of embarassment!!! One more thing.... I want to thank a certain for kinda helping me through this.

I've come at her with a million questions, and she's been very kind and open, so thank you!! Let the keeling over begin....

First, I don't think you need to die of embarassment okay?

And second, PLEASE don't go vomit!!

N.O. This might be hard to admit to yourself, but, I hope you don't really have a panic attack...

I don't see how figuring out something about yourself can be a bad thing...can it? It sounds like you've talked about this with your husband already, right?

That's definitely a good sign.

And its good that you don't want anything to happen to your marriage-- its a sacred thing, and heaven knows, we all need as much help with marriage as we can get these days Why is it so hard to admit things that we hide in our heart?

Wow...thats a good question.

But I think that its something that we ALL struggle with, on MANY different issues--not just sexuality.

Congrats on the liberation!

I bet you revisit this thread down the line & remember how nervous you were & how far you've come since then. Any couple who is considering inviting a third party into bed needs to discuss ground rules upfront, regardless of what gender the third person is & what experience either spouse has with that gender.

If you & your hubby want to try this, then it could be a very liberating experience.

As long as there is trust & love between you two, you can handle whatever outcome there is to a threesome.

TheClaw: Wow. This must have taken a lot of courage to write out!

I give you a fins up for this new found discovery! You sound very excited, scared, and in wonderment..

All which are very normal for the coming out phrase for yourself! I hope other GLBTQ can come on here and share their experience and provide support as I know there are many who have gone through similar processes including myself!

I also hope the straight can share their support as well! I also think it is smart to consider what may happen if you have a threesome in regards to your marriage.

I am not here to judge..

I am here to provide support and to remind you to think whatever you and your hubby decide that you need to do so with a clear mind..

Without the foggy mind of actively engaging in the ED. I think part of the panic attack may come from all the feelings swirling around in your head and your body and the actual thoughts of being with a womyn.

It is very exciting and at the same time fear exists..

Almost like a fight or flight experience, huh? And believe me, hon..

I get the whole wanting to be with a womyn and the amazing thing it did and does to my body..

But then again I am a lesbian..

And really didn't experience that with a man.

You seem to have experienced that with a man to which is "A O K" Please keep in check with us about your feelings as you have written this and now are receiving responses.

Stay with the feelings and come on here instead of numbing yourself out by engaging in the ED or any other destructive behaviors! for you Reminder on the we are here to support you in your discovery about your sexuality no matter what you decide ...

Be the real you!

Like Sylphlover said, your feelings are understandable.

I've felt like that in my process of coming out (as bi ) at various times.

It has helped me to know other friends who've come out as bi (my cousin and my ex-boyfriend).

I see what benefit it has had for them to come out and date girls/guys, and I know that's something I want for myself, too.

I want to be with a girl, but for right now, it's just in my head and I'm only dating guys.

You're in a different situation, with a marriage you want to keep, so as the other s, just make sure you talk it through with your hubby. Have you seen the movie, Milk?

Just thought about it because it inspired me when I finally watched it a few weeks ago.

Inspired me to be true to myself Big s!

SarahMichelle Oh, my friend, I'm not going to actually GO vomit.

I didn't - I just felt like I was because of the intense fear in my belly.

All those butterflies, you know? I haven't talked to my husband about me being bi-sexual (wow, that sounds weird), but we've talked about inviting another person in bed.

My marriage is numero uno, and I won't do anything to jeapardize that. As far as admitting to things in our heart...for me anyway...fear of rejection.

Here I am thinking that your view of me will change now, SarahMichelle.

I know that's probably stupid, but yah, it crossed my mind. Kensington I've come very, very far since I've joined somethingfishy. We have not done the threesome as of yet.

It's on the table, and that's where it's staying right now.

But the option is always there.

Not a good time right now for me. Thank you, though. Sylph Ah, Sylph. without the foggy mind of actively engaging in the ED. That's really hititng with me.

I am fully engaged in the ED right now.

I have a sick, ED-twisted thought in my head that sounds something like this: If I'm skinny enough, maybe other women will look at me.

Oh how shameful. I'll tell you ONE experience I had with a woman, and it's not what you may or may not be thinking.

My husband and I like to bet each other.

We're very competitive.

So, we made bets for our birthdays as they are only three days apart.

I forget what mine was.

But HIS was this: have a lap dance done...by a woman.

Not him...me! So there we are in Reno at the Wild Orchid.

I'm trying to down as much alcohol as I can before this supposed lap dance is about to occur.

The bitch of it was....I had to pick the girl!

So I did...(maybe my first inklings?) and we were escorted to a secluded spot in the club by some bouncer dude.

And she begins. I'm turning my head away and she's sitting on my lap wearing nothing but a thong.

She pushes her boobs in my face and places my hands on her hips...I was so on the spot, and my husband loved every second of it.

I, on the other hand, was mortified.

But, what an experience nonetheless.

Certain feelings did erupt inside me... Sylph, I just want to push this away and "numb myself out with ED behaviors" as you said.

Oh how do I get past that??

I'm just totally Oy vey.

Sydonie Thanks for the response.

What is Milk about?

I saw "Milk" on vacation.

It's a wonderful movie starring Sean Penn, who won the Oscar for his performance.

He was a gay man who worked for the city of San Francisco in the seventies & was killed for his beliefs.

Google it for full details.

Hey Claw-girl I understand worrying about rejection all too well.

I've been judged and rejected by people more times than I care to think about. I'm trying to think of a good way to say this gently...as a Christian, no, I don't exactly say to people "wow, congratulations on being bi/homosexual/whatever!

Go you!" I believe that God's gift to us is a husband/wife relationship-- BUT -- do I judge people for being this way?

NOT AT ALL. I haven't got any right to judge somebody else, and its also not my place.

I may not agree with something a person is doing, but i can still LOVE them, LIKE them, AND accept them and think good things about them.

Does that make any sense? So you don't have to worry that your post makes me view you any differently, because it just doesn't.

There's no judgment at all.

Over the years I have had/do have friends & acquaintances who are of all sorts of sexual persuasions.

Its not something I've given much thought to...what matters to me about a person is a)are they nice?

B)do they care about other people?

C)can I trust them?

D)do they sleep with a blankie?

(just kidding ) I think its great that you've discovered something about yourself.

And Kensy has a GREAT point-- definitely keep the communication about a possible threesome open with your hubby.

Ground rules with the hubby are a good idea.

Not that I'm any expert on lap dances or threesomes, but it seems to me that you defintely want to have your mind in a good place (like someone said, not lost in that cloud of e.d.

Behaviors) so taking good care of yourself would be a SUPER good idea right now.

Claw

Kensington Well, shoot, now I don't think I want to watch "Milk"! SarahMichelle Heck, just call me Jenn.

That's who I am. Anyway...I totally know where you're coming from about being Christian.

I emailed you about that as well. About my head being fogged and engaging in ED behaviors...that was Sylphlover.

And that's totally huge for me right now as I am very much engaged in my ED behaviors.

There's still something I need to get out of me that I can't pinpoint.

All I know is... restrict, restrict, restrict. I totally appreciate what everyone has said and the support you've shown me.

I eagerly look forward to more responses as I try to figure out this whole new side of me. Oh, and Sylph, I'm going to add something to my signature line.

Not feeling too good about this....maybe still those first feelings about coming out???

The movie is actually very positive.

You get to see how he went from this hippie dude to someone who was willing to run several campaigns trying to get elected to help the city he loved.

The acting is great & if you're a seventies buff like me, you'll love the costumes & timeline.

Don't write it off becuz it has a sad ending!

It's a true life story so they had no choice but to be truthful about how it ended.

I think threesomes can cause a lot of problems in terms of jealousy from friends of mine who have engaged in those, and I once had a boyfriend who tried to force me to do it.

I was not attracted to the woman at all and I found it to be horrible and turned away. Would you want to see him have sex with another woman?

If I saw that I know my ED mind would be comparing myself to the other woman physically and feeling terribly threatened. And what if you developed feelings for this other woman?

Or vice versa? I think if you are going to explore that you get divorced and have a lesbian relationship, and if that doesn't work out then maybe have a relationship with a man - I'm not saying that from a religious perspective because I support GLB relationships yet trying to mix it with a heterosexual relationship as a threesome, I don't know, that's a tough one

Heck, just call me Jenn.

That's who I am. Yes, but, "The Claw" makes you sound like a superhero.

A legitimate, DC or Marvel, action figure caped crusader.

(With, by the way, a much better logo than Superman's).

I like that mental image.

Don't you dare spoil it for me. Okay, I will admit that The Claw also kind of seems like a good name for a handheld electric massager...or maybe a tool you use to fish out remote controls when they get kicked too far underneath the couch. Stick with the superhero.

Jenn Thanks Kensington for jumping in!

Yeah, I recommend Milk not because of the ending but because it was so inspiring.

Harvey Milk was a very committed person and it took a lot of courage to come out in the seventies and run for political office.

San Francisco was not the much more open place it is now.

I know it's a lot easier to come out today than it was then, and I see it as a spectrum.

I hope that someday in the future it will be normalized, or much more normalized, to see oneself as something other than straight.

I really appreciate everyone's responses.... But I am sitting here trying desparately not to cry.

I, for some reason, feel so incredibly alone in this.

I don't know why I feel like crap..I was truthful to myself.

To all of you. And I just want to cry.

I'm happy about being honest and truthful with myself, and yet, I feel so different. I can't take back what I said - that would be a lie.

This is who I am.

I just want to hug someone -me

Jenn I'm sorry you feel so alone.

Theclaw...what is wrong with a good cry?

I can feel your pain and fear, but i also detect that you are firm in your realization.

This is good. it is also normal to be afraid of new things, experiences, people, etc.

A new job? oh yeah fear on the first day.

A new baby? oh man wouldn't know where to start.

A move? knowing no one and getting lost in a new town.

These things make us stronger in our convictions of who we are, we just don't know it at the time.

Embrace what you have discovered NEW about yourself, this is just another thing that makes you YOU.

I'm not gay or bi, but from what i know about you from your posts...its just who you are, and i love that about you...

Jenn Hon. You may feel alone but you are not alone we are here for you!

I know it is different in Cyber Space than real time and sometimes without that human face to face it is much different. Believe me crying makes sense becuz you are grieving who you thought you were all of these years.

Does that make sense?

Going through stages of grief takes time.

Plus you are keeping this from your hubby which probably is difficult ....

Is there a T you can talk to about this.

You need someone right now and a safe person would be a T. Keep giving yourself affirmations of who you are.

You are a beautiful being!

You are lovable. You can embrace this part of you, sweetie.

It is a beautiful part of you! Have you watched any movies with bi-sexuals or lesbians?

I know Milk has been mentioned.

Did you go to the website I mentioned?

I can provide some movies and books if you'd like.

When I was coming out..

Reading and watching and being around GLBTQ stuff was very warming and comforting.

Jenn I can understand you feeling alone Our identities are integral to how we view the world and how we act, how we interpret events, how we see ourselves as fitting in in the world.

So when we confront something about us that challenges that interpretation it can be really scary.

It shakes our foundation.

What can you do to feel grounded?

What about you, what characteristics, likes/dislikes, have stayed the same? And next , why stop yourself from crying?

I mean, unless you're in a public place or work or somewhere where it would cause a scene (not that I haven't cried in a public place, I don't always have much control over my tears).

Lately I have been crying all the time (talked to my T about it, going back on meds for depression) and the days I don't cry it's horrible, it's all bottled up in me and I can feel it, dragging my body down.

People cry for all sorts of reasons, and often when things change, even if it's for the better. I like sylphlover's affirmation suggestion

SarahMichelle I'll email you a little later. cougargirl I just don't like to allow myself to cry.

It's a weakness thing for me.

I know, that's stupid. but from what i know about you from your posts...its just who you are, and i love that about you... That made me smile.

I have to wonder what it is you love about me..hehehe.

You know, it's nice to hear that.

Thank you for that. Sylph crying makes sense becuz you are grieving who you thought you were all of these years I wanted to cry because...I felt like half of me was gone.

Like I always knew it existed, but to acknowledge it scared the crap out of me! I just saw my T today.

Didn't bring it up...almost did.

That would open up a whole new can of worms I'm sure! Keep giving yourself affirmations of who you are.

You are a beautiful being!

You are lovable. You can embrace this part of you, sweetie.

It is a beautiful part of you! sure! Sylph, I really want to believe this.

I found myself standing in my front yard watching my husband and sons on their bikes thinking how lucky I am.

I caught myself standing with a certain ....pride.

My chest was out, my chin was up....you know...I was wearing my good clothes, so I felt pretty hot. I'm going to send you a private message regarding your other questions.

Keep a look out. sydonie It shakes our foundation.

What can you do to feel grounded?

What about you, what characteristics, likes/dislikes, have stayed the same? I feel like my whole world is on top of me.

Everything about me is changing.

How can I feel grounded....not sure.

Between fighting the ED and my thoughts of women...I'm not sure how to stay grounded.

As far as things that have stayed the same...everything has stayed the same except acknowledging I find women attractive.

That has rocked my world as I know it. And next , why stop yourself from crying?

...see the comment I left for cougargirl. Just stay with me, ladies.

That's all I ask!

I hope my response wasn't too harsh, I thought about it afterwards and I felt bad.

I think just the word threesome triggered up some terrible emotions for me because in my case my bf at the time was trying to force it on me.

Since then I've said no way to anything like that because it reminds me of being threatened with abuse if I did not follow through.

My situation isn't related to yours as it sounds like it wouldn't be your husband forcing it on you.

TennisLady You're ok there, TennisLady - no worries.

We haven't ever had a threesome - it's only been discussed, and the option is open.

There's no way I would get divorced just to pursue a lesbian relationship. I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience.

Thank you for sharing it though.

Hi Jenn, I have this theory that sexuality is somewhat of a sliding scale with totally straight being at one end, totally homosexual being at the other end, and bisexual being in the middle.

I sort of think that we all fall somewhere along the scale.

So, I guess you've discovered that you are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Personally I could never do the threesome thing because there is no way I could remain emotionally detached.

I couldn't just be with the other person on a purely sexual basis without feelings developing that would leave me feeling confused.

Things can so easily become complicated with feelings of love, lust, or jealousy.

It just feels risky to me. Good luck moving into this new phase of self discovery. Javo

Well, I told one more person

Jenn: Did you tell a person face to face?

How did it go?? How do you feel now that you told them

Hey Sylphlover! First, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Well, I didn't tell her face to face.

It was an email - my husband's aunt who happens to be a lesbian.

I'm pretty cool with her, so I'm waiting for her response.

I know she'll be supportive in the matter. My husband and I were talking about me wanting to sleep with a woman.

As I said before, we've talked about that.

He suggested I bring it up with my T as it may be contributing to my depression/anxiety.

It could be. It's like I told you, Sylph, I'm mourning the possibility that I may never get to make love to a woman....oy. How do I feel?

I feel a sense of freedom.

Like...I feel sexier than I did.

Not sure how to explain that.

Maybe because I'm surer of myself now.

I don't know....

Are you flipping serious?

Very classy, frodosgirl.

Sorry. Attempt at humor...epic fail. I wasn't serious, and I am so, so, so sorry.

Gah. Usually I'm better at figuring out when not to be snide. I am so, so sorry.

Frodosgirl, OK, ok.

I understand the humor thing, but I am soooo NOT there right now.

To confront my sexuality was HUGE and I am still having trouble embracing that part of me.

And it's really not about the sex. I still have soooo many questions - I don't even know who to ask.

I cry sometimes because I think what I did was a mistake.

Admitting to myself what I truly feel has brought on so much pain....pain that I don't know where to direct it. Normally, I can take a joke like that....just not yet.

And, I don't know when. (Positive affirmations, Jenn.

"YOu are beautiful.

You can do this. It's a beautiful part of me.") So, why am I crying? I'm just....scared!

I think if you weren't married people would find it easier to embrace this for you, like if you were single and just found out you were bi-sexual people would be happy for you and say to go out and find out what it's like but with being married, that's a toughie. just like if I confessed to having a number of affairs with other men on here when I was married, I doubt people would be understanding....even if they were justified like my husband wasn't interested in sex or did not find me attractive. I'm sure it would be hard for anyone to come out, single or married, especially if it affects your ED.

Other men have been huge with my ED and dieting to look good to get attention from them.

Whereas now in recovery I really could care less about what they think, it just doesn't feel as important when I'm not trying to lose weight. My sister was living with a man and realized that she is bisexual so now she is married to a woman.

Yes it was odd seeing her at family dinner with a guy at one point and then a woman a few months later, yet I supported her and know how hard it is to do that.

The guy was devastated yet he wasn't married to her, they were living together, so I think people don't know what to say since you said you don't want to get divorced so then it's like , it would be hard to be married to a woman and a man at the same time (and illegal???)

Jenn: You are right you are beautiful.

You can do this. You are right where you are supposed to be.

You have every right to ask for support in this.

It is a wonderful thing to realize your sexuality. You know as you have written it is not all about sex and some people might find that difficult to understand.

That is o.k. as it isn't about them.

It is about you and your journey. It is a beautiful process to "come out." You are right as this may be an exciting time and then something you will have to grieve , as far as never being with a womyn, as you stated you are happy in your marriage. When I came out..

I realized I was gay not bisexual.

It was a little easier as far as I knew I couldn't be with men anymore.

You on the other hand are with a man and married and are bi-sexual.

Once again I highly recommend you talk to your T about this as she may be able to offer you some insight as she "knows" you better.

She also may help you go through the grieving cycle with some assignments. I still think you ought to embrace this part of yourself as it is a part of you and you are beautiful.

Jenn I think Sylphlover put it really well, You know as you have written it is not all about sex and some people might find that difficult to understand. Something that I've found challenging in coming out is how many misconceptions people who aren't bisexual have about bisexuality.

People saying that being bisexual doesn't really exist because people are only gay or straight, for example.

I always wonder how people who aren't bisexual could tell me what does or doesn't exist.

I'm pretty sure I know myself!

Or fears my friends have posed, and my parents even had these misconceptions, that if you were with someone who was bi that you could never be sure that they wouldn't leave you for someone of the opposite sex/same sex.

I was like, really?

Because isn't it true that whatever sex the person you are with, they could always leave you?

So anyways, it's certainly not easy to come out and face questions and confusions, not only from yourself, but others.

This is why I'm kinda quiet about my sexuality.

I'm working on it, though!

Baby steps It's not about sex, it's about being true to yourself.

To reiterate what Sylphlover has said, this is a beautiful part of the beautiful you.

For me, it's hard to describe, but there is a part of me that just feels happy and more complete having started down the path of accepting and understanding my bisexuality...and dare I say, loving it?!?

It's an important part of the list I wrote in the self esteem forum of who I am.

And I really appreciate you coming out to the , as it has encouraged me to talk about it more.

I'm bisexual, too.

It was hard for me to accept this, and i still haven't ever told anyone (off-line), but i accept myself.

Once again I highly recommend you talk to your T about this Ok, Sylph, I think I will.

It'll be a freaking week of revealing secrets!

MD knows all my ways, now my T will too!! Oh, and Sylph....I went back and read a lot of your threads that you've started...I found many similarities when you came out and when I decided to come out - like the dreaming.

It was very interesting reading your threads.... I'm really anxious to get that book....I think I'm starting to embrace who I am.

Ive been following your thread TheClaw but i havent managed to speak out (im struggling a bit with my sexuality).

I just wanted to say im so glad for you that you've been able to finally be honest with yourself and us.

Its such an integral part of being human and such an important thing in life.

Ok so some people dont get sexuality, thats their issues, it doesnt need to be yours.

What matters most is your health and happiness.

Please try and talk about things to your T, your deserve to be comfortable and proud of all that you are. thankyou, maybe you can be an inspiration to others. x

Magic_carpet I'm very new to "coming out" but not new to the feelings towards women.

If there's anything I can answer, I'm more than happy!

Discussion Title: I am bi-sexual.
Title Keywords: bi-sexual.  SFWED  Remember  Hurts  Community 



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