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Kvetch: Second Thoughts => can’t figure out if this is cold feet or if I am actually a lesbian.

I’m a regular here but I’m going anon for this, although I know this is a safe and accepting place, but I’m just really conflicted and a little embarrassed that I’ve let things get to this point without figuring this major piece of my puzzle out. For a little background (don’t know if background is relevant, but now that I’ve started typing, I’ve broken the dam) I grew up in a home with parents who were hostile and homophobic.

I don’t want to say abusive and it wasn’t as emotionally predatory as, say Vegas bride or book owl’s situation, but let’s leave it at they hated each other and each had there own mental issues going on (they’ve both since gotten help, and our relationship is now normal, but growing up was tough.) So although I have been conflicted about my sexuality since my sexual feelings started to awaken (I guess shortly after puberty kicked in, about 14, 15 years old like most of us) my home wasn’t the safest place on earth to be confused have conversations or seek support.

For example, my mom would take away all my Melissa Etheridge posters and cds and I don’t know what she would have done had she found out I was in the GSA in high school.

And when I invited a good openly gay male friend to my college graduation, my dad insisted that a 20 year old boy had no concept of sexuality and that he wasn’t gay, just “confused.” My parents were strict and I wasn’t allowed to date *anyone* - girls or boys - so I didn’t really have that opportunity to experiment with dating and kissing and determine which felt more natural.

I always (from that 15 year old sexual awakening point) felt different and I never seemed to fit in with the other girls - the crushes, the boy bands, the cute new student teacher, etc made me feel like an outsider even if I learned to pretend to be interested in the same things.

I thought it was possible I was a lesbian or perhaps bisexual, but then a few months later I would decide that I wasn’t, it was just my way of “rebelling” against my parents and that I’d grow out of it once I moved out of their home and “discovered myself.” This cycle of questioning continued all through high school and into my early 20’s (I’m not yet 30, but old enough to have my own damn head figured out!) I guess I was able to avoid really discovering this and figuring it out since I didn’t date, so it wasn’t a pressing issue in my day to day life (although it was a pressing issue in my heart). I figured in college I would have the freedom to “spend time with” and have sexual encounters with both men and women and could figure it all out.

At age 20, one of these sexual encounters led to an unplanned pregnancy.

Oddly enough, my parents whom I had tried a couple of times to talk to and I think knew I was questioning my orientation, were unbelievably supportive of my pregnancy.

I think they were just more willing to deal with an unwed pregnancy than deal with me being a lesbian and I think that they saw my getting pregnant as proof that I was straight and had sex with men.

They insisted they’d support whatever I wanted to do, and if I decided to keep the baby, that they would help me with money and babysitting until I was on my feet.

I graduated 4 months pregnant, got my own place, and my mother moved in with me for 3 weeks after my daughter was born to help with newborn care and housework. Being a single mom isn’t easy for anyone and especially not for a woman just getting established in her career to have to worry about money and childcare ahead of doing whatever to climb the ladder at work.

I was so consumed with work and raising my daughter that my lovelife took a backseat - meaning that I again dated no one, male or female.

I just didn’t have the time!

And when I did, I wanted to catch up on sleep! Fast forward to now.

I met this guy and he is a great guy.

Just the nicest smartest funniest guy in the world.

And he ADORES my little girl.

And we get along great.

If you came to my house on any given night you’d find us making dinner, helping my daughter with her homework, and just lounging on the couch watching tv (we even like the same shows and laugh in all the same places).

He buys me flowers for no reason and takes out the trash without being asked.

My parents love him.

His mom is a trip.

Everyone loves everyone.

We’re getting married in December.

And I don’t think I want to.

I think I’m a lesbian. There’s a part of me that thinks that this is just cold feet.

I confided in a close friend who said she thinks I’m just suddenly scared because I’ve never had chance to live my life for me.

Life at home was consumed with survival and then my life was consumed with raising my daughter.

She thinks I’m just panicking because I’m under 30 and never had any time to myself.

Her argument makes sense I suppose.

It sounds totally rational.

But I’m not having the normal 20-something year old panic about how I want to go back to school or change careers or start a band or go backpacking around Europe.

I’m questioning my sexual orientation.

Sounds like a pretty drastic fuckin case of cold feet! My very good gay friend says I’ve been on his “gay-dar” since we met and he thinks that survival is the reason I’ve put this off for so long and it’s now time to face it. I’ve never had a relationship with a woman, just a few sexual ones, nothing lasting more than a couple months, never lived together.

I am terrified of two things: breaking my fiance’s heart and traumatizing my daughter (not by being gay, but by ripping this guy out of her life whom she loves).

My fiance is a great guy and a wonderful person and I’d hate to do this to him - what if after my great self-discovery I find I really am straight and I’ve broken his heart and any chance of a future with him.

Plus, a split when we’re due to be married by Christmas would certainly call for an explanation to my family -what do I tell them?

“I have to have sex with a couple more women before I marry anyone”? Gay-Friend says I could just have my female sexual encounters on the side, that fiance would never suspect or have to know, but that seems cheap, dishonest, and unfair to all three parties that would be involved.

Aside from the fact that I don’t feel any crazy passion towards sex with my fiance, I don’t want to be dishonest with him or hurt him.

I mean this is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever been in and this could be my chance at a real family.

I’m just really, really confused and wondering could this actually just be cold feet.

I know there are lesbian indies on here and I’m hoping you can shed some light to tell me how you really determined where you sexuality fell?

I could really use some anonymous, objective friends right now.

Quote: : this could be my chance at a real family. That you perceive Man-Woman-Child as the only "real" family shows that you still have MILES to go in your exploration.

I don't mean this to sound bitchy, I just mean...lord, there are one thousand ways to have a family, and only one of them involves Marrying This Man Right Now.

If the fear of "never having a family" is the only reason you're doing it, well, the fear is irrational and should not be guiding any major life decisions. I think you would be doing both your fiance and your child a grave disservice, if you marry him before Christmas as planned. You do not have to break up.

You can postpone.

But during this postponement you MUST, MUST MUST get counseling. Finally, one last thing.

You do realize, right, that in that entire post about your wonderful fiance, you never, ever, even once, say you love him? (Disclaimer: I'm straight, but just got out of a marriage that should never have happened...so I'm definitely familiar with THAT dynamic.)

If you were a lesbian you would be sexually attracted to women and not men.

I know that sounds simplistic, but it is true.

How passionate is your relationship?

How good is the sex?

There aren't two just sexualities, straight and gay.

There is a perfectly valid, real, and probably common "middle ground," if you will, called bisexuality.

If you're attracted to women AND men, if you have sex with both and enjoy it, if you have interest in long-term relationships with both, YOU ARE BISEXUAL.

You can give it a rest trying to figure out if you're straight or gay- unless there's a bunch of other, vital stuff you've left out of your post, you can be pretty damned sure that you're bi. The real, pressing issue here is whether you want to continue in your current relationship.

This is only tangentially related to your sexuality.

People who are 100% straight (or 100% gay) could be in your situation and freaking out that they're too young, too inexperienced, too whatever to be getting married.

You need to somehow separate the questions you have about your sexuality from the other issues in your relationship and your life.

You CAN be bisexual and in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man.

Or a woman. You just need to decide if it's THIS man you want to be with.

And the answer doesn't have to have anything to do with who else you may be attracted to.

Saying "I can't marry him because I just need to sleep with women" is just not the whole truth- it's an easy excuse to use for a complex situation.

BoulderIzzy wrote on Tue, 07 October 2008 22:38 If you're attracted to women AND men, if you have sex with both and enjoy it, if you have interest in long-term relationships with both, YOU ARE BISEXUAL. Why don't you give more consideration to this possibility?

Petra wrote on Wed, 08 October 2008 00:50 BoulderIzzy wrote on Tue, 07 October 2008 22:38 If you're attracted to women AND men, if you have sex with both and enjoy it, if you have interest in long-term relationships with both, YOU ARE BISEXUAL. Why don't you give more consideration to this possibility? yeah...gay or straight doesn't really matter as long as you're into the person you're with.

If you're not, it should be clear that you have problems with this relationship whether you're attracted to girls or not. ETA: I know I sometimes feel a little weird that I'll never get the chance to have a relationship with a woman, but I don't think for a second that I would give up my current relationship in order to pursue that.

I think that's the difference between cold feet and needing to really make a change, but I don't know that anyone else can really tell you which is right for you.

One thing's for sure, anon, is that you're not straight.

You won't "realize" you're straight after about 15 years of questioning your sexuality.

You just need to figure out if you're bi or gay.

But the label isn't even important.

Either this person is the person you want to spend your life with or not.

Its sounds like not.

Deal w that before figuring out your "label".

Quote: : one thing's for sure, anon, is that you're not straight.

You won't "realize" you're straight after about 15 years of questioning your sexuality.

You just need to figure out if you're bi or gay.

But the label isn't even important.

Either this person is the person you want to spend your life with or not.

Its sounds like not.

Deal w that before figuring out your "label". Think your absolutley bang on there hun!!

Thank god someone started this thread. Another fakeanon here...

Same thing as 1st anon, I just realized I'm bi for sure last weekend, before that I've never been sexually attracted to a woman...

I have 2 unhealthy crushes on a straight emo boy and a bi emo girl.

It's never led to anything AT ALL, but it scares me to be with FH forever and never a woman.

Is it bad to have some future hope that circumstances might allow me to explore my sexual orientation with others aside from FH, kind like a silver lining to separation or death?

Swinging is not an option for FH, but I'd be open to it. Sometimes I think that I romanticize women's ability to please another woman sexually because my sex life is so lame and not because I'm really bi...

The other aspects of the relationship are pretty stable and loving, but the crushes might indicate how unfulfilled I feel sexually.

Deleted, duplicate post, thanks to balckberry's slow-ass internet technology. But I'll add, didn't mean my situation is the same as the OP, but similar topic.

Hm. This might be coming late, as you were getting married in December, but I'm posting it anyway. I believe that sexuality and who we fall in love with are fluid and that people will follow whatever their personal preferences combined with their individual circumstances allow them to.

There are people who will never even realize they could be attracted to the same sex, because those feelings were unthinkable, so they've turned those impulses into something else...friendship or jealousy, etc.

Some people feel them strongly, know they're there, and have no choice but to recognize them and either deny or accept them. Others, like you, recognize those feelings, but are unsure of them and have found themselves in situations forcing them to preclude the possibility.

I'm in a similar boat, but not exact.

I relate better to men, on the whole.

I've only fallen in love with men but am more sexually attracted to women.

Because my fiance and I are extremely open with each other he knows that I consider myself bisexual but have extremely limited experience there.

I feel fairly confident that if I wanted to have a sexual relationship with a woman, I could tell him about it and he wouldn't be upset (romantic relationships on the other hand, would be hurtful).

Some people aren't comfortable with that kind of setup but I feel that communication is key.

My questions for you are: Can you be honest and happy with him? You said you don't feel crazy passion with him, but that's normal after some time.

Is there ever any passion between you? *Do you feel a relationship with a woman would be more fulfilling overall, or just sexually?

Do you relate better to women?

Do you see yourself falling in love with a woman? *With your background, you must realize that marrying someone you aren't fulfilled with can also hurt your child emotionally in ways you don't expect.

Can you respect someone who marries you even though you don't feel the same way they do?

It sounds easy but pity gets in the way, and can turn into disgust. All relationships are different.

Some people can only be happy if they have the perfect trifecta of passion, friendship and security.

But nearly all passion fades after the first few years.

If it didn't, we'd never stop staring at each other and ignoring the rest of the world long enough to take care of ourselves and any kids we might have.

Passion doesn't necessarily make or break a long term relationship, but you have to have to feel genuine affection and respect for someone you intend to stay with forever. You're right that cheating on him with women like your friend suggested is a bad idea.

It's hurtful, and will damage your relationship, if not because he finds out then because the guilt will get to you. Basically, you might be a lesbian, you might be bi, or it might not matter at all.

You might just be with the wrong person right now and need to find someone better suited, regardless of gender.

It seems like you want a little more experience under your belt before getting married.

If you can't discuss that with him, maybe you should try your options and be fair to him and let him find someone who cares as much for him as he does for you. My first post and it's pretty long.

I do pontificate sometimes.

Legallyblondechick wrote on Mon, 13 October 2008 08:50 for the record, I'm bi.

At 12, I remember thinking, "please, god, don't let me be bi." straight people don't have these thoughts.

They just like the opposite sex and that's that.

No questions. I'm late for this one, but I want to say that I disagree.

It isn't necessarily true that everyone who has a same sex fantasy will turn out to be bi or gay.

I know plenty of people (male and female) that had same sex fantasies and even acted on them, but then ended up identifying as straight.

Questioning is normal for everyone, no matter what their orientation. There is also a big difference between finding the same sex attractive and enjoying sex with them and actually persuing relationships with them and falling in love.

I know lots of women who have tons of female/female sex, but consider themselves essentially straight, because they've never had a romantic feeling for another woman and never wanted a girlfriend.




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