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Hot Wax - JerzeeDevil Forums
Just an email I received.
NOT a personal experience!
You may want to swallow that mouthful of coffee, soda, whatever first though.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...
The hot wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...
Right)!
I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
That long three inch place is devoid of all hair.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure but using two of the wax strips end to end, I apply the long wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply and brace myself...
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!
Blinded from the pain!!!!...
OH MY GOD!!! IT HURTS!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off the top half of the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think I may pass out...
Must stay conscious...
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch the painful area.
I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...
Remember my foot that is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do some thing.
So I put my foot down.
DAMN I hear the slamming of a cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut!...
Butt??... Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!" I know I will have to urinate, but I can use my mechanical ability to use the power drill to, dare I say it, drill a hole.
Right now, I have a more pressing problem.
What can I do to melt the cold wax that is holding my lips together?
Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered area and the wax should melt and I can gently pull and then wipe it off, right???
WRONG
I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together.
That, my hair hating sisters, is having them glued together and glued to the bottom of the tub...
In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
Thank God, I have my cell phone in the bathroom.
Which lead me to the next problem.
You have already guessed the next problem, right?
The cell phone is on the far side of the basin.
In desperation, pure desperation I might add, I call out for my oldest daughter, who is all of 12, going on 25 years old.
She enters the bathroom at once.
Has she been listening at the door?
"Please, hand me the cell phone."
"Sure, mom.
Why are you wearing your blouse in the tub?
What is that funny smell?
I heard you call me a little while ago, but I was on the phone with my best friend.
She just hot waxed the hair from under her arms.
It was so easy, I want to do it."
"Give me the cell phone and get out of here."
"Sure, Mom.
My friend said the directions were easy but you had to do it just the way it said." The door closes.
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter
"My butt and who-ha are glued together and glued to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or the whole who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...
I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
Besides the damn box to on the other side of the sink, 5 feet and 2000 miles away.
And I will not call my daughter back in the bathroom.
While we go through various solutions.
I begin to think I will have to scrape the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...
The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
And I can reach it without calling my daughter for help.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
The pain does not diminish as I I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...
ALL OF IT .
So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
I make the call.
"Hi Honey, you suggested that I get rid of the hair down there remember?
Well, it is all gone.
I think you would be sexier if you removed some of your hair too.
When you get home we will do it, okay?"
Only fair, he suggested that I be as smooth as a baby's butt for him.
He also suggested that I would look better as a blonde.
Next week I'm going to try hair coloring...
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Yeah, self-waxing never works.
You've gotta trust the pros.
And any man that told me to be smooth as a baby's butt for him will wake up with a whole box of the strips stuck to any and all of the body hair he has that I can get to.
This may or may not include eyebrows.
I may even leave a nice note, telling him how much I'm looking forward to seeing HIM smooth as a baby's butt.
Don't ask me to do for you what you won't do for me!
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Yikes, that would HURT!
Especially on me!
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