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First time here...why do guys drag you along and pull you along? =( - eNotAlone
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This is my first posting at ena...I was introduce recently to this website and been reading different postings and advices....
Since I had a close friend going through his divorce....he has sent me some postings to me to hope to help me out through my tough break up...well here goes my story of what has happen to me this past year and up till yesterday....
I haven been broken hearted before about 6 years ago from a 3 year relationship where I was left and told that he could not do it anymore with me to find out a month afterwards that he bought a ring and marries his co-worker and had a baby together within that year....that was the hardest break up I had to go through...I could not stay in San Diego and had to leave to go to Los Angeles for change and I did my thing and took me a good year to year and half to get over him....so, I got through it....
Presently, I just got out of a relationship about 4 months ago and I was my ex for about 1 year and 3 months.
I lived with him the whole time.
Of course, in the beginning it is always beautiful and great when your getting to know each other.
Well, it became very nasty at the end.
He is a navy contractor.
I did not know he travel alot.
When I move in with him, we barely knew each other and insist in me moving in within 2 weeks.
I know what everyone is think..."what the hell are you thinking moving with a man that you barely know?"...It felt right at that time and it was convince for me since I was traveling from Temecula for work to San Diego and he was leaving for 4 months and i had his place to myself...so, I was getting to know him long distance and I did not know what he was doing in New Orleans, but I trusted him since he was calling daily and he came home twice to surprise me and he flew me out to see him too.
He came back him and we spent everyday together since we did not had that time together in the beginning...so at this time it is about 7 month into a relationship that the true colors started to show....I found out he was an alcoholic and he games on the computer (Star Ward or WOW) when I open my mouth about his habits, then there is where all the problems started and constant arguing.
He started to call me names that I never thought a man can call a woman and he started to threaten to hurt me by physical abuse.
I just got out of a very verbal and emotional abusive relationship with this man.
I have never been place in this position before.
I was so ashamed to tell my family and I was so prideful to come home.
I wanted to work this out with him.
He blames me for him acting this way towards me...I brought this out of him....Is that really my fault?
Did I bring the worst in him?
I have been asking myself this....he knew that I was always wants to be moving towards the future like getting married and having a family....Why do men do this to us women?
Why do you drag out a relationship when you when the other person wants?
He started to say things like this at the end..."we are two different people and we want different things"..."you too needy"..."I just want more space"...and etc....
I know men and women are different and we are built differently....How do people make it work?
Does it just work out naturally?
It does not take work in a relationship?
He tells me that it should not be this hard....relationship just moves smoothly....REALLY???
If someone truly loves you, would they not want to fight for you or work things out through therapy or counseling?
So, it was been 4 months since he has broken up with me over the phone in New Orleans.
He comes back and now he has a new girlfriend that he has been seeing for a couple of weeks and has move to the next level.
He went to my therapist to this past weekend and tell his side of his experience of out relationship....of course, I am broken hearted more and cry my eyes out from all day yesterday and today.
He just move on like that and did not even look back at us.
I have been crying for the past 4 months...yes, I have my good moments and I get my moments of sadness...I had to found out from my therapist that he is seeing someone new and he did not tell....what a coward!!!
He has been telling me to chill out and we cane start over and see how things go....but tells my therapist that he will never come back to me since he knows that he will become the same person and he was never like that with anyone else....the funny thing is that he was like that with someone in his past and much more....
I feel so stupid for loving someone like that...how do you get over this?
How can you move forward?
Advice....I am just hurting a lot right now and I am letting it out here tonight!!!!
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Welcome to ENA. I hope you find support and advice here.
Quote: : I found out he was an alcoholic and he games on the computer (Star Ward or WOW) when I open my mouth about his habits, then there is where all the problems started and constant arguing.
He started to call me names that I never thought a man can call a woman and he started to threaten to hurt me by physical abuse.
I just got out of a very verbal and emotional abusive relationship with this man.
I have never been place in this position before.
I was so ashamed to tell my family and I was so prideful to come home.
I wanted to work this out with him.
He blames me for him acting this way towards me...I brought this out of him....Is that really my fault?
Did I bring the worst in him?
I have been asking myself this....he knew that I was always wants to be moving towards the future like getting married and having a family....Why do men do this to us women?
Why do you drag out a relationship when you when the other person wants?
He started to say things like this at the end..."we are two different people and we want different things"..."you too needy"..."I just want more space"...and etc....
I know men and women are different and we are built differently....How do people make it work?
Does it just work out naturally?
It does not take work in a relationship?
He tells me that it should not be this hard....relationship just moves smoothly....REALLY???
The reason why he acts like this, is that he feels backed up into a corner as soon as you start calling him out on his addictive behaviours.
He very well knows, that to maintain the relationship he will have to change his ways.
Whatever he said to you, it was nothing personal.
It was him, defending himself and his behaviours.
People with intimacy issues often exhibits an "approach & avoid" pattern.
In this case, he insists that you move in with him to get some intimacy (approach).
Perhaps he is starved or desperate for intimacy.
Soon, it gets all too much (like binge eating) and he has to get you out of the way, so that he can be alone with his problems and his addictions.
Such a person cannot sustain long term healthy relationships (but it will last longer if you go silent about his behaviours).
Again, that he is seeing someone else already has nothing to do with you as a person or a partner.
It is simply a part of HIS pattern.
Quote: : I feel so stupid for loving someone like that...how do you get over this?
How can you move forward?
Advice....I am just hurting a lot right now and I am letting it out here tonight!!!!
Try to take a timeout and heal your wounds.
Once you are doing a little better, start focusing on building your self-esteem and your awareness about the men that you are attracted to.
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Guess, what...he will be repeating the same pattern with the new woman.
He will move her in to his home within a few weeks and will start abusing her and telling her she is needy and she brings out the worst in him.
He has addictions and emotional issues...people like that tend to blame their partner of the day, society, the sun, moon and stars for all their issues.
You are well out of there.
Don't even wonder how he can move on so quickly...his feelings for others are shallow..he is simply motivated by his own needs and insecurities so if it is not you it will be someone else.
He needed someone around to make him feel like he has someone to call a partner..so he sweeps you off your feet by being a good actor..moves you into his house which serves the purpose of basically having someone house sit for him while he is away for several months.
This man can't love..he can only use women for his own purposes.
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Hello Timebandit....Thank you for your in site.
So, this is his behavior my question is how to any approach things in relationship if there is an issue or problem?
Well, my last relationship was very much unhealthy.
I started to blame me and started to believe it was my fault and if I key my mouth shut that things would be better off.
I know I did the right thing in speaking up and not taking anymore of his crap.
I did walk out on him and left his apartment before he came home.
Nothing would have change.
He avoided me when he left to New Orleans and avoided me to when he will be coming home.
Timebandit...I am working on that right now.
Building up my self esteem and I need to be more aware for the next time around.
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Quote: : Guess, what...he will be repeating the same pattern with the new woman.
He will move her in to his home within a few weeks and will start abusing her and telling her she is needy and she brings out the worst in him.
He has addictions and emotional issues...people like that tend to blame their partner of the day, society, the sun, moon and stars for all their issues.
You are well out of there.
Don't even wonder how he can move on so quickly...his feelings for others are shallow..he is simply motivated by his own needs and insecurities so if it is not you it will be someone else.
He needed someone around to make him feel like he has someone to call a partner..so he sweeps you off your feet by being a good actor..moves you into his house which serves the purpose of basically having someone house sit for him while he is away for several months.
This man can't love..he can only use women for his own purposes.
I never knew that people can be this way....I had no regret for leaving him and getting the hell out of that situation....I just been trying to understand the behavior of men like that and just wanted answers....this is very good to know.
You are so correct about his shallow needs and insecurities and his needs....you has not clue to love.
I know how to love.
I need to be more aware for the next person around.
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Quote: : So, this is his behavior my question is how to any approach things in relationship if there is an issue or problem?
Well, my last relationship was very much unhealthy.
I started to blame me and started to believe it was my fault and if I key my mouth shut that things would be better off.
I know I did the right thing in speaking up and not taking anymore of his crap.
I did walk out on him and left his apartment before he came home.
Nothing would have change.
He avoided me when he left to New Orleans and avoided me to when he will be coming home.
The first part is obviously only to engange in relationships with men who are not abusive (or get out as soon as you find out).
I dont think you make men abusive, rather that you attract and get attracted to certain types of men.
You need to work on skills like letting a relationship build more slowly, being more aware of the signals the men send, and being more aware of your own relationship patterns (i.e.
Do you tend to fall for a specific type of guy).
You need to become a detective into these subtle things that gives you a hint that something is wrong.
Also great to hear that you are working on improving your self-esteem.
Emotionally healthy people tends to attract emotionally healthy people.
As for bringing up issues in a relationship.
There plenty of books and stuff on the net written about the subject of 'assertiveness'.
Assertiveness is the sweet spot between passivity and aggresssiveness.
Try to take a look at it.
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Quote: : [...]So, this is his behavior my question is how to any approach things in relationship if there is an issue or problem?
[...]
Timebandit...I am working on that right now.
Building up my self esteem and I need to be more aware for the next time around.
Welcome to ENA. It's not a good idea to mix 'all men' or 'all relationships' into this experience as though your future relationships will be the same and there must be some magical key for you to unlock a specific behavior that could spare you the same outcomes.
The way to spare yourself the same outcome is to select your men more carefully, and that's why addressing your self esteem is so important.
Take enough time alone--without entering into another relationship until you're on solid enough ground to choose a partner more wisely and not get sucked into fast love with manipulative men.
The problem wasn't your behavior IN these relationships, the problem was how quickly you rushed to form relationships WITH the wrong men.
When your self esteem is so low that you'll take whoever comes along and can talk you into fast intimacy, especially to the degree that you'll move in with him so quickly, that leaves you open to predatory men.
They may seem smart and charming when you first meet them, but that's their grooming process.
You were unable to see the truth behind the romance because you were too anxious for love.
When you value yourself enough to date slowly and allow men to show you who they are over t.i.m.e.
Without being rushed or pressured into fast romance, your eyes are open going in.
You don't trust until someone earns your trust--and anyone who tries to rush you isn't trustworthy.
Men who rush are trying to capture you before you can see the flaws that will come out later and harm you.
Does this mean that every man is like this?
No. Only the ones who want to control someone with low self esteem.
Healthy men aren't attracted to low self esteem, so they won't be on your radar until you can build your confidence in your own value.
Until then, think of yourself as having a big neon sign on your forehead that says, "Sell me a lie, and if you love me, I'll believe it."
You can reverse this, but it takes patience and work.
You're caught in a pattern, and you need to see it before you can break it.
This isn't about changing yourself to please abusers or addicts, it's about growing strong enough to walk past abusers and addicts because you can clearly spot them BEFORE getting involved with them.
You can learn to do this, and you need to stay away from men until you can understand how.
In your corner.
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