Welcome to Omgili,
Omgili ( Oh My God I Love It ;) is a search engine for discussions. With Omgili you can find answers and solutions, debates, discussions, personal experiences, opinions and more... To learn more about Omgili click here.
This is a complete preview of the discussion as it was indexed by Omgili crawlers. Use this preview if the original discussion is unavailable.
Click here to view the original discussion.
 |
|
 |
|
Web Life Forum - Parent/Children Jokes
The Baby-Sitter
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out.
At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs.
Brown, asking whether her son was there.
The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
Going Out
A couple was going out for the evening.
The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in.
So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Women Should Not Have Children After 35
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can Quote: me on this.
If you want to say that I said it.
And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that's your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse, writing something.
" What on earth are you doing there ?" he asked.
"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal.
That's why I'm here and that's why Susie's sitting in the goldfish bowl !"
Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair.
She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast!
You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
Mommy's Way
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow.
Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car.
Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion.
Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently.
"Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children will soon forget your presents;
They will always remember your presence.
Children seldom misQuote: you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.
The main purpose of holding childrens parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and theyre still getting in!
Be nice to your kids.
Theyll choose your nursing home.
Grandchildren are Gods reward for not killing your children.
Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your kids.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
I love to give homemade gifts
which one of my kids do you want?
A childs greatest period of growth is the month after youve purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says Easy as taking candy from a baby has never tried it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Cyrus says Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said
Youve Got Male!.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Four friends who hadnt seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The 1st guy said My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now hes the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.
The 2nd guy said Damn, thats terrific!
My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually he became partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
Hes so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The 3rd man said Well, thats terrific!
My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
What about your son?
The 4th man replied My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper in a nightclub. The three friends said What a shame
.what a disappointment. The 4th man replied No,!
Im not ashamed. Hes my son and I love him, and hes lucky, too.
His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Mom and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.
The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty will healed now.
I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance.
He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnout dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant.
I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.
I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often express tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boyfriend.
However, I am getting a "D" in American History, and an "F" in Chemistry and I wanted you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Sharon
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things Ive learned from my Boys (honest)
1.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
Ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.
A 3-year old Boys voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20×20 ft.
Room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh oh its already too late.
8.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.
Super glue is forever.
13.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
14.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.
VCRs do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.
Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
College student: "Hey, Dad!
I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had got into trouble at school and at home.
Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true.
He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry.
I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either.
He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Barry..
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either.
Barry was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad..
'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said.
Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Quote: : The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
That's so sweet!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|