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Overcoming Faith Crisis: How Do You Rediscipline Yourself? - Absolute Write Water Cooler

Hey everyone. I'm a 27 year old writer...

And I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith.

Forgive me in advance if this turns out to be a long post, but I'm just going to pour my soul out here a little bit.

God knows how many words that'll take, but I'll try to be somewhat concise. I feel I'm a cliche in many respects.

I wrote my first 20-30 page story when I was 9, and nearly gave my 5th grade teacher a heart attack when I turned it in for extra credit.

That means I was born to write, just like almost everyone on this forum.

What other 9 year olds do that if they aren't cut from the cloth? When I was in high school, I dreamed of becoming a published author before college.

What better way to enter the literary world than to be a child star?

Forget that I'd experienced nothing...

Or that every fantasy story I wrote was simply based on the last movie/TV show I'd seen, or the last video game I'd played. But, that's kids stuff - kids are just unshaped pudding that absorb everything they see around them, and model themselves after it. When I was 18, I finished my first full length manuscript.

And by full length, I mean 250,000 words of pure nonsense.

Not even my own mother could get through the first 12 pages without saying it's terrible.

Now, bear in mind, she's not a cruel person - but she kinda stopped playing the "unconditional support" role when I turned 13. I got a few other opinions from friends, confidants...

Who read the first 20 pages or so.

All of them were very positive, but it's amazing how fast such positive praise suddenly turns into a vacuum when you send 20 more.

Yes, I could pester another "positive review" from someone on the next 40 - and did when I was younger - but, by the time it takes 1 month for a friend to struggle through 20 "awesome" pages, you get the idea he/she may just be sparing your feelings. By 23, I was in grad school, pursuing a master's in Journalism.

I took many electives in creative writing.

I was with plenty of others who were chasing the old dream.

We encouraged each other - no matter our given levels of talent.

It was during these next few years I did my best writing.

I had many people reading/critiquing - and all of it was positive.

I had people read through entire manuscripts, saying "This was good, but..." which is just fine.

Even Hemmingway - hell, even Shakespeare - has/had critics. When I started querying agents - I realized I had fallen into a new writer's trap: they were just too long.

150,000 words and 200,000 words each.

Better than my first - which was a piece of garbage, I can see now in hindsight - but still too long for a first time fantasy writer.

No agent would give me the time of day. No problem, I thought, I'll just write 2 more...

Keeping them 60,000-75,000 words each.

Then, when I become a published writer, my longer works can be considered. It's only lately that I've started losing faith.

I'm currently writing these two stories - one is a fantasy, one is a noir-style detective novel.

The problem is, in the past, I've always been able to lose myself in my own writing.

I'd go back, re-read things, and entertain myself.

I’d have a few ‘wow’ moments, where I’d say: “Dang, I actually wrote this?” Nowadays, I can't even read back what I've written lately because it bores me. In my eyes, I've regressed in my style toward poor description, cliche dialogue, and an overall simplistic and boring plot.

I'm a real tough guy, had enough emotional beatins in my time, being the D&D nerd in high school who was also the Chess Team captain and played one sport: Tennis...

But when I came to this conclusion, I felt as though I wanted to cry. Nothing frustrates me more than seeing where I am now...

Where I used to be...

And - 10 years later - being exactly where I was.

Stephen King once wrote in On Writing something like this:"There are great writers, and there are bad writers...

And then there's competent writers.

Great writers and bad writers have one thing in common: they are born that way, and will always be great or bad, no matter how hard they work.

Everyone else is a competent writer, and can eventually become good through endless hours of reading/writing and practice." I'm a competent writer.

At one point, I felt like I was going to become Good.

I don't know what happened, but now I'm competent at best again...

And if the publishing world is like the NFL (1 in every 10000 who aspire for it actually make it), competent isn't going to get the job done.

Unfortunately for me, if I lose the dream… I got nothing.

I’m a writer. Good, bad or ugly… this is what I was meant to do.

One might come up with a raw definition of ‘pathetic’ and say it means: “Someone who cannot succeed at what they do best.” All my friends have jobs they can be proud of.

Half have wives who love them, and one just proposed to his girlfriend, and has a baby on the way.

All of them, without exception, have well-paying and/or respectable jobs… and three of them have been married in the past few years, I've not written in weeks, and have found myself sleeping 8 hours and still being tired.

I'm not as hungry as I used to be, and can't even motivate myself to hit the gym more than once a week (used to be at 4-5 times). Even my performance at work has suffered - I work as a sports writer for a digital media company, and that's about as uncreative a writing job as I can get, next to technical writer.

Sure, I love Sports, but this kind of writing to me is what 6th grade algebra is to a rocket scientist.

4-8 paragraphs max, hard news stories.

Tone or style is somewhat frowned upon (literally word for word from one of my old editors).

Also pays about as much as I’d make managing at McDonalds overall – a small step up from minimum wage. I'm pretty sure this is textbook depression - just another thing to add to my list of cliches.

I can't even get upset in a unique and original way. I don’t really have anyone in my life I can talk to about this – my interests are so radically different from that of my friends, they wouldn’t really understand, and we really don’t talk about personal stuff.

We play poker, we bowl, we have laughs… but I have no one in my life who I open up to.

I’m rather closed off, and have severe intimacy issues.

Haven’t had a girlfriend since high school, and can’t even bring myself to date – because I don’t feel I have anything to offer. I’d love to see the classified: I’m 27, I live with my parents, currently have a dead-end job which I’m too afraid to quit because of the economy, and I have $4000 dollars to my name.

I also drive a 93 Jeep Grand Cherokee priced less than a LCD TV set, with nice leather seats and a broken sunroof.

What time can I pick you up? Anyway - before this gets any longer...

Please share your experiences.

I’m definitely not rock bottom, but I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m working my way down.

Has anyone been here before?

If so, did you manage to overcome this rut - call it what you will: "faith crisis" "writer's block" or "sheer laziness." What steps did you take to get back on the horse?

Yeppers, we've all been there in some form or other.

Want to hear about my agent who went belly-up and lied to me about the pubs she claimed to have subbed my books to?

Nah. Old news. I'm out in the trenches again, kicking butt.

And griping, sometimes, but we won't emphasize that. Seriously, that does sound like clinical depression.

Hie thee to your GP with a written list of symptoms and causes, and see what he/she says.

Sometimes it's really just a small chemical imbalance that the right drug can fix. Job-wise...

Well, the economy being what it is, I'd say don't quit a job unless you have a contract in hand for a new job, yanno?

I'd also suggest moving out on your own, but perhaps you can't swing the rent thing right now.

(Unless your folks are ill and you're their caregiver, which is a whole 'nother situation, and you win the Good Son Prize.) Any friends you could share the rent with? On the date situation...

I don't know. I met my DH when we were in community theater together--I was the actor and he'd just taken an acting course to improve his sales confidence.

Odd how things happen sometimes.

Find an activity you like and join it.

I wasn't looking for a date--I just liked acting. Writing: There's an index to the Learn Writing With Uncle Jim thread up on the Novels board.

I'd try that. Jim is our benevolent god, imparting the wisdom he's gained from years of publishing success.

If your skin is thick, you could also post a chapter on SYW and see what other writers have to say about your work.

It might be better than you think, since you're looking at it from the dumps right now.

But be warned: you do need a thick skin.

We are honest in SYW. Hope some of this helped, and good luck! PS: I joined the convent at 18 and left at 22--if I can get my act together after totally wrecking my life, anyone can.

It's a slump. They happen.

I got into some terrible ones last year, where months went by with rejection after rejection--while my sister, who also writes, was selling short stories like hotcakes with fudge icing.

I felt like the inferior kid. There was a point where I thought the only thing I had going for me was my boyfriend--then we broke up.

That was kind of a wake up call.

I threw myself into a WIP for the next few weeks (writing out my sorrows), and when I came out, I realized that I didn't much care if I was good, I just enjoyed the writing. So I guess you can say I started dating my fiction. I tried to focus more on the 'fun' of writing, and treated editing like word puzzles (in less than 5000 words, retell this short story involving a shapeshifting tree, a beaver, and a flash flood without more than one paragraph of background information), and I not only enjoyed myself but I got a lot done.

And then I sold some of it. It helps that my sister is going through a flub right now, so I can ignore her.

Sometimes things just work best that way. A general formula for happiness I heard somewhere (and I forget from whom, alas): Something to do, something to love, something to hope for. Right now I'm writing, I love writing, and I'm hoping for another acceptance letter. And, y'know, I try to do other stuff in life.

Not right now, since I'm all but snowed in, but I can go biking in the summer, read a good book, find a new bf, etc...

Quote: : So I guess you can say I started dating my fiction. I love this line.

It describes me in so many ways. Mharvey - Your story made me nod my head so often as I read it, as our paths were very similar.

Writing is the one thing I've always loved doing, and I've been scribbling since I was a child.

It hurt when I realized I wouldn't be the next SE Hinton, but now I understand how much I still had to learn when I was sixteen.

And at 28, I've never stopped learning. No two writers have the same path to publication.

Some sell at fifteen years old.

Others publish in their late seventies.

It's difficult when you're still young, in your twenties, trying to discover yourself and your intended career path--believe me, I've been there.

But we all pay our dues and eventually, we'll walk our intended path. I found my path by taking my college degree, moving out of my parents' house, and struggling to make ends meet with a retail job.

For five years, mostly paycheck to paycheck.

Those five years taught me so many things, and I know it helped mature my writing.

Negative emotions can be great fuel for our creative voices. Most of all, don't wait for that elusive publishing deal before you allow your life to begin.

Live it right now.

Give yourself a break from writing.

Enjoy your friends and family.

Indulge in other hobbies.

Take a cooking class.

Go out to a club and dance with a stranger.

Reorient yourself. Publication isn't a prize race, it's a personal marathon.

Some get there quickly, others not at all.

Don't compare your pace to that of others, whose experiences are not your own.

Do the best you can and if you need a break along the way, take it.

Your physical and mental health always come first. Kelly

*waves hand* Technical writer for my dayjob here, and I can sympathize.

It's hard to sit at the computer all day...and then go home and sit at the computer all night. It sounds like you're on the right track...but you fell off somewhere.

You've recognized that the 200k doorstopper isn't going to get you published, but you're writing what you THINK is going to get you published and it doesn't sound like you like it. Been there, done that.

Have a trunk full of half-finished (or completely finished) novels in the same situation.

Writing stuff you don't like is basically chasing a paycheck, and it's a crappy way to do it because the hours are long and hard, and writing ends up feeling like homework. I've been told not to write romance by a lot of people, because I shouldn't 'waste my talent writing garbage' and things like that.

I write romance because I *LOVE* romance and it's what I read.

Why would I write literary or mystery if I don't read them?

They don't interest me in the slightest. Here's what I do when I'm struggling with the love: Sit down and write out a list of your favorite novels.

They can be ones you've written or old favorites that you return to again and again.

Now the harder part - dissect WHY you love those so much.

Is it a meta-theme of outsiders?

Do you like writing the discovery of a new world?

The underdog getting ahead?

What about the story excites you?

Write down that list.

Now, consider your projects.

Are you including the themes that excite you?

Why not? Confession time: I wrote a metric ton of fanfiction from the age 12 to about the age 24.

Sad. I LOVED that stuff, though.

I couldn't wait to get home and write for hours in my journals.

But when I started writing for publication, I really struggled with finding that same excitement.

Why did I love writing in someone else's world far more than my own? I eventually figured out that 'someone else's world' had the built in themes that made me geek out - my personal favorite is 'fish out of water' and 'romance'.

And the stuff I was writing for publication?

Not including my geeky themes.

Once I started realizing this and began to focus on stories that included my geeky themes, the excitement of writing returned. Hope that helps - hang in there.

We all suffer from this crisis at one time or another.

I agree with Irys.

Find your "geeky themes" and write them.

Even if at first you're just writing self-indulgent poo.

(Which we are allowed to do.

It's Official Purgatory Doctrine: You're allowed to write poo.) Some of my best stuff started that way, and later I just had to force myself to cut some of the self-indulgent stuff. Also, here's a thought: try differently.

Not harder. If the writing isn't working for you, read.

Go back to your old favorites.

Find new favorites.

Buy copies so you can highlight your favorite parts and make marginal notes about why you love that paragraph, that character, that conversation. Same with relationships.

Try differently. As Lily suggests, get a hobby, join a club, and then branch out with the people you meet there.

AW is already a good start.

I've met two other AWers who live near me. As for the gym: find the right music.

I swear, if you make the right playlist of all the music you secretly love, even the stuff you'd be embarrassed for people to know you listen to, you will want to go to the gym if that's the only place you allow yourself to listen to it. And I say all of this as someone who has been there rather recently.

In June, I'd run aground on my WIP, was not exercising, and...well, I'm married so we won't talk about my problems there. In July, I shelved the WIP and started writing this totally self-indulgent piece of shite (that turned into the book I'm querying now, which is somehow no longer self-indulgent or shite.) I made an hour-long playlist of nothing but Rammstein and silly 80's dance music, and find that it's no trouble to go to the gym every day.

I went out of my way to make a new friend by simply plunging.

(The marriage...I'm still trying to try differently instead of harder.) Good luck!

Quote: : (Which we are allowed to do.

It's Official Purgatory Doctrine: You're allowed to write poo.) Yay!

I'm safe! Whew! That's a relief!

MHarvey, I can really relate to what you're saying.

Perhaps if you're looking for something more immediate try some short fiction?

There are a lot of markets and competitions out there and it's a good place to cut your teeth.

It's been a few months since I posted this, and I just want to thank everyone who shared words of encouragement and experience with me.

I've read them all, several times, over the last few months and it's always made me feel better. I just wanted to say, I'm feeling alot better lately.

I'm finally back to exercising (summer helps) and have finished the fantasy novel I was working on.

Reading back over it, it's much better than I was giving myself credit for - not perfect by any stretch, but that's what revision is for. I just wanted to drop a message and say thanks.




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