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DD has NO interests! - MotheringDotCommunity Forums
Okay, she does have interests, but they aren't the kind of interests that involve joining clubs or sports or any sort of organized group in any way.
I need help because I feel like I'm short-changing her.
DD is 8 and we are relaxed homeschoolers - I feel very comfortable following my children's interests and incorporating them into the more core areas like literacy and mathematics.
I'm posting this in the Unschooling forum because I have experienced first hand how counterproductive it can be to try to push subjects that or learning methods that don't interest my children.
I have also seen the opposite, which is the real "magic" that happens when they are genuinely interested in something and want to know more about it.
DD is a really easy going child and she has been willing to try almost any kind of curriculum that I've tried.
She is really doing well academically and she loves to read and do craft projects and play with our dogs and play with the neighborhood kids, etc...
I am happy to allow her to do that.
I think I feel insecure because, although she has taken gymnastics/dance classes in the past and she did 2 years of Daisy/Brownies, etc...
She no longer wants to participate in any extra-curricular activities at all.
We just moved to a new state, and I was hoping to use these sort of classes/clubs or whatever to help her meet new friends (because she is very social), but when I try to suggest different types of activities (ie 4H clubs, dance, sports, American Girl Club, library programs, YMCA classes) she is not interested.
I've been getting a lot of the "just sign her up and make her go" advice, and I'm embarrassed to say that sometimes I lean toward that, but she really gets upset (she has actually vomited when she was nervous about attending a new class).
Then I worry about her anxiety level and, of course, I don't want her being so upset that she gets physically sick.
I don't want to push her to do these things but I feel like as a homeschooler/unschooler I should be helping her to pursue HER interests, but so far I don't know what those are.
My son (who is about to turn 5) is just very clear cut in this area.
For example, right now he is going through a Star Wars phase and the boy is crazy for Star Wars.
He wants to read the books, watch the movies, play with action figures, etc...
So it's easy to work in fun and challenging activities that he wants to do because they feed his Star Wars obsession.
With DD, there is nothing like that.
She is a happy kid, I think I just need some reassurance that I'm not supposed to be forcing her to try different activities.
Hope this made sense.
Tara
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Quote: : I feel like as a homeschooler/unschooler I should be helping her to pursue HER interests, I believe this also.
What does she say when you ask her what she's interested in?
What does she do at home?
What does she read about or talk about or watch on tv?
I'm a little confused because you say both that she doesn't have interests and that she does but they don't include joining groups.
Why can't you help her pursue her interests unless they're attached to joining a group?
Maybe she'd be more comfortable going to a homeschool park day or some other informal group event to meet others rather than an organized class?
If she's happy though, I wouldn't sweat it.
Quote: : I think I just need some reassurance that I'm not supposed to be forcing her to try different activities.
Tara You're not supposed to be forcing her to try different activities.
I suggest, I show the kids what's available, if I REALLY REALLY think they'll love it, I might say "Why don't we check it out one time and if you don't like it we won't go back." But force?
No. I really believe that my kids know what they want, what they're ready for and what they're comfortable with.
My kids, at that age, where all homebodies--what I've seen with them and their friends is that there's a huge jump in their need for social contacts around age 12 or so.
All kids are different, of course, but as long as your dd is happy, I'd just support whatever it is she's interested in even if it doesn't include joining anything.
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This was a HUGE worry of mine as my dd has been growing up.
She is now 11.5, so I thought I would weigh in with a little personal experience for you.
When she was younger, I began signing dd up for activities - b/c that's what was done around here and I didn't know any better.
Dd did not take well to group instructional activities.
She was anxious about going.
She wasn't passionate or excited about any of the activities.
She hated any type of performing or showing off or telling about what she'd learned.
Yet I dutifully hauled her off to preschoolers dance, Sparks, then Brownies, highland dance, swimming lessons, then Guides, etc.
If dd had her choice, she'd hibernate at home.
She's really not a people person.
Looking back, I see that she was interested, engaged and passionate about things that were important to her.
She loves drawing and cartooning and reading and writing.
She loves movies production and animals and knitting and baking and babies and working at various real jobs with family members.
She 'played well with others' when it was a more casual activity (playground, neighbourhood kids, family visits, HSing program).
I'm actually very sorry that I dragged her off to the things I thought she should be doing.
I see now that she had more than enough social/group/people time for her.
Often she was overstimulated and overwhelmed.
I wasn't listening to her cues.
Today, at 11.5, I see that she is beginning to step out of her 'shell'.
At 10, she wanted to play soccer.
Most kids had been playing for at least 5 years.
Dh and I were worried that she wouldn't handle being the 'new girl' well.
We were so surprised and impressed with how she did for herself.
She was nervous to go to the first meeting, but she got herself though it very maturely.
She told us that she would be slower and less skilled but that was ok.
However, her learning curve was very steep.
She has continued to play soccer year round with kids usually older (she's a late calendar baby) and more experienced than her.
When she moved up to playing with older girls this summer (12 - 14yrs) she was one of the crowd.
She has picked up an art class and tried sleep-away camp.
She requested swimming lessons in order to learn a specific skill - and stuck with it until she did.
All of this was self-motivated.
Another worry we had was that she didn't want to make any friends.
Then I thought about that and I changed my tune: that when she wanted the social interaction, she would let me know.
Then she wanted friends, but had no clue where to start.
That was about the time that she began to entertain the idea of attending group activities.
She has begun a couple of very meaningful friendships through soccer and people we've met at library programs.
I'm so happy that her friendships are developing this way.
She spends time with others based on interests and a genuine compatibility.
So, I think you are doing anything but short-changing your dd.
Especially if she has physical symptoms of anxiety!
I think you have a good couple of years ahead of you in which she may be perfectly content to be at home immersed in her interests there.
I'm glad I stopped pressuring dd to pick a once-a-week activity.
I noticed that she was more content and our relationship was very peaceful once I wasn't insisting on a social calendar for her.
Laark
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Quote: : Okay, she does have interests, but they aren't the kind of interests that involve joining clubs or sports or any sort of organized group in any way.
That is OK.
In many ways having interests that don't need groups are great - they can be more self sustaining.
I need help because I feel like I'm short-changing her.
DD is 8 and we are relaxed homeschoolers - I feel very comfortable following my children's interests and incorporating them into the more core areas like literacy and mathematics.
... DD is a really easy going child and she has been willing to try almost any kind of curriculum that I've tried.
She is really doing well academically and she loves to read and do craft projects and play with our dogs and play with the neighborhood kids, etc...
I am happy to allow her to do that.
You are not short changing her!
Reread the above - they are your words.
I think I feel insecure because, although she has taken gymnastics/dance classes in the past and she did 2 years of Daisy/Brownies, etc...
She no longer wants to participate in any extra-curricular activities at all.
We just moved to a new state, and I was hoping to use these sort of classes/clubs or whatever to help her meet new friends (because she is very social), but when I try to suggest different types of activities (ie 4H clubs, dance, sports, American Girl Club, library programs, YMCA classes) she is not interested.
She may just be finding her groove as you moved.
Some people want to make new connections instantly when they move - and some are happy to lay low a bit.
I also think people move in and out of needing formal groups.
She just may be in an "out" phase.
Alternately - she could be experiencing some social anxiety.
The vomitting you mention below could be an indicator.
Or not. In any case - I would absolutely not force her to go to groups.
It could very well backfire and make the situation worse.
I am not opposed to bridge building however - informal park days, mother-daughter programs, etc.
...
But I feel like as a homeschooler/unschooler I should be helping her to pursue HER interests, but so far I don't know what those are...With DD, there is nothing like that.
She is a happy kid, I think I just need some reassurance that I'm not supposed to be forcing her to try different activities.
Hope this made sense.
It does make sense.
No, you do not have to force her to try stuff.
I tend to think all kids have interests - sometimes we do not recognise them as such.
With some kids it is easy - and with some you have to look for them.
People also work on oher things that are not clearly academic - social, spiritual, etc.
These are still interests - just not obvious ones.
I also think we (not necessarily you, OP, but in general) have baggage about some interests so we do not see them for what they are.
Screens are a classic example - parents are so worried about how much screen time their kids have that they fail to recognise and build on their interest in movies, gaming, etc.
Tara Kathy
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My 8 yo isn't interested in groups or classes, either.
He does love groups of kids (he's an extrovert) but as free play at the park on parkdays, nothing structured.
I think it's fine, plus it saves me a bundle of $.
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Is she making new friends after the move?
Are their neighbors or other kids for her to play with?
I don't think whether or not she's drawn to activities is a big deal.
But, especially once she's settled in, I think it is important she's not retreating because she's too anxious to try new things.
So, I'd try to sort out if it is just a lack of enthusiasm about activities or if she needs a bit of a nudge to meet new people.
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Perhaps you could do the equivalent of activity scattering to satisfy yourself that you're giving her opportunity.
But rather it would be *your* activity and she could choose whether to participate or to read a book.
E.g., I am going to drum circle tonight and if you want to stay with X instead of going, let me know by [time].
In my family we almost always have some activities in the weekly schedule that are not organized child-only classes, but things like going to open gym at the gymnastics center together, going to open skate sessions, going to the pool together, the lake in the summer, and other things that are healthy for mom too!
I need the exercise and I like to do things with them where I am not always relegated to a hallway or bench.
When possible we do the sessions particularly marketed to home schoolers.
It does sound like she is happy as is And maybe you should enjoy it because it probably won't last and then you'll be wearing your driver groove back into the car seat.
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Thank you all so much for your feedback.
It has given me a lot to think about.
DD has made a couple of friends.
We are lucky to live on a street with many kids, and there is a girl a few houses down from us who is her age and they play together a few times a week.
There is also another girl, the daughter of one of DH's coworkers, who lives witin a couple of miles from us, and they get together once a week, too.
So, we are lucky that she has opportunities to be social right in our own backyard.
So far I've tried some of the playground days in the area (Austin, Tx area) but she seems like she is outgrowing this kind of thing.
I think it's because the kids who we see regularly are in the 4-6 age group (perfect for my son) and she wants kids her own age (which I can understand).
DD is really into clothes and makeup and fashion, those are her interests, and I cannot help her with any of those things (LOL).
But I allow her to play with makeup and dress up and do hair, etc...
It's what she wants to do.
I think another element is that my youngest dd (who is 20 months old) is a very demanding toddler, and it prevents me from being able to do some activities that we could do together.
And that will change when the baby gets a little older - we will have more flexibility as a family.
For now, I think I'm just going to back off and let her get used to our new home/part of the country.
A PP mentioned that people transition to new places at various different speeds, and I think she needs time to feel this place out a bit more.
Tara
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I am glad to read this thread because it confirms what I've been telling myself lately.
DD is 7 and not what I would call a social person.
In that she doesn't have high social needs, has never complained about not seeing her friends enough, etc.
She has friends she enjoys spending time with, which we do as families together.
She definitely has her passions (science and nature) and is very self-directed and independent in her play/learning.
However, she has refused pretty much all offers to attend classes, recently dropping out of martial arts when it became apparent that her brother wasn't going to be in the same class (he was much younger than the other kids and just not able to keep up, and was therefore a distraction).
Even things she likes to do (skating) she adamantly refuses to do any classes.
There's definitely a societal pressure to get our kids into classes and extracurricular activities.
I was feeling the pressure until I smacked my own head!
We have started going to the public swimming pool together as a family, and between that and all the lake/river dipping during camping season my kids are getting close to being able to swim.
People have been giving me flack because my 5 and 7 year old can't swim yet.
And I realized that if we just went swimming every week together they WILL eventually figure it out, as I can see the progress over this year and last.
They don't NEED classes to learn anything.
So I'm letting go and letting them lead the way.
Funny thing is, when I signed her up for a cool science class she LOVED it and wanted to keep going (it was a one-week "camp").
Now we're at a once-monthly class at the local science centre and she also loves it.
I suppose it's a combination of being passionately interested in what is being taught, being challenged (i.e.
Not the same ol' stuff they already know), and having an instructor who knows how to engage young children.
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Oh, yes, the swim lessons.
DD is 8 and this summer she was finally swimming.
I still see that she needs practice, but with us living in a community that has a pool, we should be able to go as a family more often and she will get better.
Ds started swimming (with arm floaties) on his own because we were there at least once a week and he just picked it up.
So, I agree that they will learn to swim from exposure.
The swim lessons that DD took when she was 5 didn't really help her learn how to swim.
And they were kind of ridiculously expensive, IMO.
So, just had to say that.
Tara
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S glad to read this thread!
My oldest, DS 5, is extremely against anything that hints at instruction, so no classes for him!
Which I have thought is a shame because I see he is talented in so many areas and I think he would reap bebefit from some classes or group activities.
But I'm definitely not going to force him into any of it.
I did, however, have a "moment" this summer about swimming.
Neither he nor DD3 know how to swim and I really think it falls into one of those necessary life skills so I started insisting he learn how.
DD was all for it but that's a total different personality there lol.
We never made it to swim lessons and that is probably a good thing.
I've chilled out about it.
I'm going to try to get them to a pool more next summer and see where we go from there.
I honestly don't know if it is a fear of failure or an embarassment issue (like he should already know x, y, or z) with him.
I'm still trying to figure that one out.
He's very much like me in that he doesn't require alot of social interaction.
He's quite content to hang around family but does enjoy the occasional interaction with kids at the park when we go.
But I was never one who enjoyed class and I loathed (and feared) having to perform in any context.
So I can certainly understand and appreciate his choice.
Maybe he got enough of his extroverted dad in him that he'll come out of his shell sooner than I did.
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I'm not interested in clubs or sports or any sort of organized group.
Do you think there's something wrong with me?
So why is it exactly that you believe these things are so important?
Quote: : Perhaps you could do the equivalent of activity scattering to satisfy yourself that you're giving her opportunity.
But rather it would be *your* activity and she could choose whether to participate or to read a book.
E.g., I am going to drum circle tonight and if you want to stay with X instead of going, let me know by [time].
I agree with this SO strongly, because it allows for the focus and pressure to be off them, while at the same time they can see (in a non-threatening way) how these things can so easily be a natural part of a person's life.
Quote: : DD is really into clothes and makeup and fashion, those are her interests, and I cannot help her with any of those things (LOL).
Oh, yes you can! You can help immensely simply by not denigrating her interests, and not putting it in her head that things she doesn't care about are more important.
Quote: : But I allow her to play with makeup and dress up and do hair, etc...
It's what she wants to do.
This makes me think of Ren Allen.
If you're not familiar with her she's an unschooler and a pretty amazing person.
She's also a makeup artist.
I know she talks somewhere on her blogs about her process of coming to terms with who she is despite others not thinking her interests were valuable: http://radicalunschooling.blogspot.com/ http://teawithren.blogspot.com/
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Thank you, I appreciate that feedback.
I do want to allow her to be who she is and to pursue the interests that she has.
I had to look at my own prejudice about makeup/hair, and it had more to do with my relationship with my own mother than with those things in and of themselves.
So, I let it go. I've told DD that her "college fund" is hers to use for whatever she wants to do - Cosmetology or technical ed.
Or traditional college.
It did sound dismissive when I spoke of those interests, and writing this thread helped me shine a light on my own hang-ups about "legitimate" pursuits, etc...
I also hope that as my youngest gets older we can start participating in activities more as a family.
I do want to do things together, and I also agree that by including my children in the things that I like to do, I take the pressure off of them and allow them to figure out who they are and what they want to do.
That is something that will happen in time.
Thank you all, again.
This thread has helped me look at things a little differently, and really reassured me that it is okay to allow my children to be who they are (LOL).
It sounds crazy to write that because, DUH, who else would they be?
But it is all too easy to get caught up in the whole "mold your children, push them to be the "best" that they can be" kind of mindset.
Tara
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Tara,
We just moved to a new state, too, and DS didn't want to sign up for anything - I even went nuts one day and yelled at him and said, "Don't you want to make any FRIENDS!!??" (when of course it was ME who was scared that *I* won't make any friends if he doesn't sign up for anything!!)
I know he likes to take classes and join things if he has a friend in something.
I was the same way.
So maybe she might also want to join something later on.
Hope that helps.
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Quote: : But it is all too easy to get caught up in the whole "mold your children, push them to be the "best" that they can be" kind of mindset.
Tara Jumping in late.
Just wanted to say that yes, you can *support* your daughters to be "the best they can be".
It's just the emphasis on the word "can", as in the possibilities, and ensuring the goals stem from their desires , rather than the old paradigm of "parent knows best".
So, a little tweak, and you're on track!
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I know that your daughter is still very young, but in this book, What Colleges Don't Tell You (And Other Parents Don't Want You to Know): 272 Secrets for Getting Your Kid into the Top Schools by Elizabeth Wissner-Gross, she discusses how you can take an interest of a child and make it into a passion.
Now I know that this book may hit you the wrong way--the whole point of the book is Ivy League for your child or bust, which I so don't buy into.
But the way she goes about capitalizing on your child's interest is valuable.
Also, see her sequel What High Schools Don't Tell You (And Other Parents Don't Want You to Know): Create a Long-Term Plan for Your 7th to 10th Grader for Getting into the Top Colleges .
Both books can really have you see you child in another way.
But again, feel free to discard the "Great college or else" routine.
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Mammatus - yes, you hit the nail on the head!
We move frequently due to DH's job and I know that new place means new community means get out there and make connections, etc...
I have found that even though I am an introvert by nature, as a SAHM and a homeschooler it is absolutely necessary to be willing to connect to our community.
But it doesn't have to happen instantly, and I realized that I am putting a lot of pressure on her to join up in order to meet other kids her age.
The crazy thing is that when I stop and look around I realize that she has already made 2 or 3 friends in our neighborhood that she plays with fairly regularly.
So, I think I can back off now, LOL.
And I'm hoping that maybe this is our last move - at least for a while - because the strain of having to break ties in one community and then struggle to make new ones once we move, along with new places to shop for food, new parks and new physicians and dentist, etc...
It's all getting to me, I think.
Okay, VERY off topic, sorry about that.
Again, thank you all for your perspective.
It always helps to get a fresh outlook on things.
Tara
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