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I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We have never had sex (in any form). AMA : IAmA

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Yes, it's kind of boring sometimes.

Her parents are extremely over protective and won't let us stay alone together in a room with a bed.

She's afraid of sex and still thinks it's disgusting. I love her and she loves me but sometimes no sex is distressing.

She's 21 and I'm 20, we're both virgins.

I'm an atheist and she is not religious neither her family is. EDIT: just realized my throw away account kind of read like three-way.

Not intented EDIT2: sorry for the delay, the 10 minute limit is stupid EDIT3: I'm perfectly okay with the relationship.

This is IAmA not AskReddit, this is NOT a cry for help.

Apparently not many redditors have questions

Not even a handjob?

Nope, not even that.

Coincidentally a friend asked the same when I told him about it.

I didn't know handjobs were so common.

I'm literally getting a handjob right now.

Good for you

Your hand in your pants doesn't count.

What if my eyes are closed and I'm pretending it's not my own...

That counts.

What if I build a bionic hand to replace mine.

I would control it through brainwaves and I would pretend it's mine, does it count?

Have you seen each other naked?

How far have you gotten?

Do you kiss?

Have you seen each other naked? No How far have you gotten? Touching Do you kiss? A lot

It sounds like things are progressing, although slowly.

I am sure if you take slow steps, things will progress over time.

If you slowly go further every time you are together, but keeping within her boundaries, her boundaries will likely start to expand.

Are you hoping it will change some day or are you comfortable with the idea of having a boring sex life?

I hope it will change, but I'm not sure if it's gonna happen ...

Unless I marry her which I won't until I'm much older and she is much older too.

I am assuming it is the local culture stopping you from marrying soon?

Or is it something else? I used to think that you needed to wait years before getting married, but I proposed to my wife on our first anniversary of dating, and married her the next month.

Happiest day of my life, and I have never regretted it.

Monogamy is a mental illness.

Yes, we kiss. Completely normal on that side.

The most we have done is she lying over me and kissing.

If I try to do anything else, such as putting my hand under her pants she freaks out and pull it outside

You can't just go sticking your hand down her pants and hoping for the best.

Very few girls go for that level of directness.

Work your way up to that sort of stuff.

If she's into you and you get her worked up you may be able to move on, slowly. Work on the neck, nibble the ears, go for the over the shirt boob grab, then the under the shirt over the bra, then the under the bra, then bra off, then maybe to oral.

(aka foreplay) You'll have to repeat the process every time you're intimate until she's comfortable.

Don't expect any miracles and work at her pace. I dated a girl who had been sexually assaulted for a while, it took a great deal of time and effort to build the confidence and trust necessary for intimacy.

You're girl had some sort of psychological tie-up over sex, be considerate and don't rush her and in 6 months, who knows.

This is sound advice.

Slows steps will get her comfortable with things.

Some people go fast, and some go slow, its part of your personality.

If you really love her, going slow over many months probably wont be any kind of an issue.

Maybe you should move out of her parents place.

That'd help for starters...

Obviously I don't live with her parents but we spend a lot of time at her house.

Don't?

Would you be able to fill in some detail as to why she cannot, or does not want to move out of her parents house?

I think it would help a lot of people here to understand the situation better.

Does she know that every human is the result of sex?

Sex is natural and healthy.

Yes she knows. But her parents are extremely strict and she sees it as something bad.

She's really curious as well, she's always asking me random facts about sex.

She is 21 for crying out loud, her parents have no say in what happens between you two sexually.

Does she realize that?

Why can't you meet at your place?

Amen.

Yes, her parents freak out If she stays here alone with me.

She should stay with you if she wants to.

If you proceed to have sex or not, they have no right to restrict you in this way.

You should confront her parents.

If she loves you she will stand by your side!

If she loves you she will stand by your side! Sadly, that's not true.

Love is a complex things, as are loyalties.

Then he should dump her, it is her parents that are fucking her over, if she doesn't want to confront them and chooses to continue being controlled and abused like that by them, then there is nothing anyone can do and he should dump her and move on.

I hear this all the time.

Until you are part of a boyfriend vs parents situation, it is very hard to understand why she "just doesn't move out".

Its a very complex situation.

My wife chose the "move out" route, and her family relations at this point are very fragile.

I can't imagine how horrible it must be to lose your entire family in one blow.

This has nothing to do with her boyfriend, this has everything to do with her life , if she wants to have a healthy life she should move out of her parents place immediately , they have fucked her up more than enough already. And yea, moving out is hard, I moved out when I was 15, and it was not easy, but you can't let others (no matter how much they 'love' you) ruin your life.

I also agree with this.

But from the girl's perspective it is not that clear.

And losing your family can be a big deal if your very close to them (and if they limit your social interaction, you no doubt are).

Yea she will live and likely have a better life, but it will still be very hard.

If her family is not bat-shit-insane-beyond-all-hope, they will probably get over it and learn to accept that she has her own life, and they will be able to have a much healthier (if not completely healthy) relationship and they all will be better off.

I have seen this happen with quite a few of my friends, parents just wont let go until you stand up for your self and they are forced to accept you as a human being and not as an extension of their pet wishful thinking.

Tell her to grow up.

21 is far too old to be allowing her parents that much control over her life.

They're treating her, an adult, like a child, and that's going to be detrimental to more relationships than just her romantic one with you.

Tell her to grow up Did you ever stop to think, maybe she is just not ready to have sex?

Every human being is a different and complex creature.

Just because sex is legal at X age, does not mean everyone is ready for it at that age.

While it may be her family stopping her from being intimate, it also may not be, and I think its going a bit to far to say she is not "grown up".

Amazing that you're getting downvoted for suggesting that it can be okay for a given person to not have sex...

That one size doesn't fit all.

Yea, its all over the place.

I have similar comments else-where in this discussion that are being upvoted.

Back up a second.

Read again what I'm replying to.

It had not one thing to do with sex.

The comment was about her parents freaking out about them being alone together.

No mention of sex what-so-ever .

It is not healthy for a 21 year old to have that sort of relationship with their parents.

It seems to me like breaking up with your gf isn't the right answer and neither is the status quo.

It sounds like what you need to do is undo the "sex is dirty" brainwashing.

You can do this. You need to be firm in rejecting that premise to her.

Sex is fun and awesome and wonderful.

You need to make it clear that you want and deserve a regular normal sex life.

But at the same time you can't be overly pushy and certainly don't impose yourself on her physically.

But you can be clear on your expectations if the relationship is to have a long term future.

You can also be clear in saying that the sex doesnt need to happen immediately (but, again,) that you wont spend a 40 year marriage under these conditions.) Basically you reassure her of your long term intentions and willingness to be patient while at the same time introducing counterpoint to her view that sex is dirty. There was a time, not too long ago, when lots of people married young and waited until marriage to have sex.

It isn't all that weird.

I had a similar situation and attitude about sex a couple years ago, and eventually I realized I didn't have a problem with physical intimacy at all.

The reason I arrived at this conclusion was a combination of curiosity, open-mindedness, and a willingness to examine my feelings and figure out why I had such a big problem with the whole deal. I don't think it's that strange that you guys aren't having sex, particularly since she still lives with her parents.

There's nothing wrong with not getting physical until marriage, even, as long as you both are okay with that.

However (without pressuring her!

I'd never concede to someone who was pressuring me!) I'd check if your girlfriend is the kind of person to eventually come around and be okay with the whole deal.

It shouldn't be a deal-breaker, just stay mature about the whole thing.

Thanks for sharing that.

See guys? It can work out just fine.

Everyone on here seems to think that if she will not be intimate now, she never will, but I just don't think that is the case.

Many people who abstain from sex until marriage go on to have healthy, happy, sex lives.

Have you considered that she may be a lesbian, asexual, or a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

Lesbian? No, once a girl tried to kiss her and she refused (before we were together) Asexual?

No, I can sometimes feel she is horny and asks me all kind of questions about sex survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

I really doubt that

Lesbian? No, once a girl tried to kiss her and she refused (before we were together) . Darlin', if she's so sexually repressed she won't touch you below the belt after two years, not kissing a girl when she had the opportunity don't mean nothin'. You're twenty.

Go on a road trip to somewhere nice on the cheap, stay in motels.

Have fun .

There's a type of asexuality that can result in having a sex drive ("horniness") but a lack of attraction (wanting to fuck someone)

That's the vibe I got as well.

I'm gonna level with you, dude.

You are 20 years old.

Get a new girl. These are the prime years of your life.

You are supposed to be fucking.

You are both adults.

Adults fuck. She isn't staying chaste for religious reasons.

She is staying chaste because she has some sort of complex or she is asexual (it happens). If she can't stand up to her parents and she waits until marriage, they are going to be so involved and overbearing in both of your lives if you two decide to get married.

And then you are gonna regret being so chaste when you were younger.

You are then going to drive yourself crazy when you see a cute girl.

You are going to constantly be asking yourself what it is like with a redhead/blonde/big titted/small titted/chubby/flexible/slutty girl.

And the only way for you to find out will be to cheat on your wife.

Or have an open marriage, but considering the ideas she has about sex right now, that is going to be highly unlikely.

So, then you will probably stray, break her heart, tear apart your family (assuming you have kids), get a nasty and probably expensive divorce, destroy the relationships you have with your friends, etc, etc. I was in a tough and somewhat similar situation when I was your age.

Someone gave me some advice that I thought was really cheesy when I first heard it.

"If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they're yours;

If they don't they never were." I reluctantly followed this advice and parted ways with a girl I loved a lot.

We separated and both got our freak on while living on separate continents.

5 Years later, we thought we were totally over and done with each other.

We got back together per chance and had some awesome things to show each other in bed and great stories to tell.

We've been together ever since going on 9 years. Get a new girl.

You may break her heart, but hearts need breaking.

I know but I'm a very lonely guy and she's too.

I really love her.

It's more like a complex on her part, she has always been raised as sex=bad.

I know I should go out and find another girl but I don't have the emotional strength to do that.

As long as you're cool with it, there's no problem.

Once you start bitchin' about no sex, tho, you're not going to get any support.

Trust me.

Regardless of any sex issues, if you say "I know I should go out and find another girl," you're not giving her the respect she deserves and you really should go find another girl.

Yea, this is true, but it sounds like the OP is not about to bail on his lady.

It is not 'a complex', it is brainwashing and psychological abuse.

Or a choice that does not match your ideals?

Psychologically abusing and torturing your children is not 'a choice', specially because the child has no choice in the matter.

No one said she was psychologically abused or tortured.

That is a conclusion you fabricated all on your own.

If you really love her, don't follow the advice of these asshats (and here comes the downvotes).

I would never EVER part with my wife, even if we never had sex a day in our lives.

Our emotional bond is far more than any physical one.

Yes, being intimate does further our relationship, and bring us closer, and yes it feels great, but it is not something I would leave her over, and she feels the same way. So if you really love her, and it sounds like you do, ignore these sex-crazed lunatics and follow your emotions.

If you break up with her to go bang a bunch of sluts that put out to everyone on the block, you will regret it later. As far as her thinking sex is bad, I think you just need to work on it together, and slowly steer toward the goal.

If she wants to stay a virgin until you get married, and you are okay with that, then thats not really so bad.

You will get married in the next few years, and then have your whole life to screw.

And my bets are that once it happens, she will definitely warm up to it, and not think it is so bad. All these comments remind me of high school, when everyone is in a mad race to lose their virginity, like the end of the world is near or something.

You have probably a good 80 years left ahead of you, there is no rush.

A couple years until you are married is nothing.

I don't see how any of the commenters above you are asshats.

Their advice is sound, and has far less potential to leave him a ruined emotional mess down the line than your advice.

Op is fine with the situation now, but he will most certainly begin to resent it, and this will cause bigger problems if they actually do get married.

If the seeds of doubt weren't already there, this post wouldn't exist. Love doesn't fix everything.

Unless his gf shows signs of wanting to change, there isn't much that he can do.

And it's incredibly presumptuous to assume that she's just going to get over it down the line.

He's also extremely young, and I wouldn't be surprised if this was one of his very first serious relationships. Lonely people will cling to what they have because they don't think they deserve better.

Eventually, he'll probably wake up and realize that, and hopefully he'll be able to make some choices about this relationship.

The commenters above aren't espousing hedonism, just plain common sense.

Being in your 20s is a rare time in your life when you have very few obligations and a certain level of freedom you'll most likely lose if you get married.

He's better off having as many experiences as he can and using them to grow as a person.

If the seeds of doubt weren't already there, this post wouldn't exist. This is "IAmA" not "I Need Help".

This post existing means nothing about any "seeds of doubt". And it's incredibly presumptuous to assume that she's just going to get over it down the line It's "incredibly presumptuous" to assume she is not. I wouldn't be surprised if this was one of his very first serious relationships. And what is wrong with that? Lonely people will cling to what they have because they don't think they deserve better.

Eventually, he'll probably wake up and realize that, and hopefully he'll be able to make some choices about this relationship. That is making allot of personal assumptions about the OP's personality;

Not everyone thinks and feels like you do.

Your wrong is another man's right. certain level of freedom you'll most likely lose if you get married. Says who?

I am married and have as much freedom as ever. He's better off having as many experiences as he can and using them to grow as a person. Again, you are making a lot of assumptions about his personality.

|but I don't have the emotional strength to do that. How much of that do you think is because you don't think you have the strength?

Sometimes our own thoughts become law through no action other than their existence.

Shed that idea. You are not your personality, you see the world through those eyes.

Change the lenses and you'll still be there.

Does she masturbate?

At all ever?

This. If you actually break up in the future, which a lot of relationships end on, you're gonna regret it when you're old...

You are supposed to be fucking. Yes, this is true.

And I'm a woman saying this.

Women who have been raised that sex is bad...tend to always think that sex is bad. If you're cool, with it, then go on with your bad self.

More power to you.

But if you are fully adults, and she's not putting out, really...it's grounds for a breakup.

Sex is important.

And lovely. And should not be missed out on.

Can't agree at all.

You sound like the type influenced heavily by the MTV way of life, which I call bullshit on.

Man and woman were meant to love each other.

Humans are the only species who fucks for pleasure.

True love feels so much better than sex ever could, because it genuinely means something.

Actually, humans aren't the only species that fuck for pleasure.

Might wanna look into that fact.

I don't really care for either argument relevant to the OP, but..

Yeah. A lot of animals stimulate their own genitals for shits, and bonobo chimps have an entire social system based on pleasurable sex acts.

Dolphins.

Actually, humans aren't the only species that fuck for pleasure. DO you consider your point proven?

Right. Next time think before you puke this garbage all over your keyboard.

"MTV way of life?" Dude, you are 22.

You are way more in-tune to the "MTV way of life" than I will ever be. What if you found a really nice person and hit it off really well, but the sex life was horrible or non-existent?

You might say, "Oh but we love each other, that's what matters, blah blah puke puke." Bullshit.

A mutually compatible sex life is important to all healthy relationships.

If she is straight up vanilla and flowers sex, and he is into BDSM, there is going to be some serious issues.

If both are super religious and only fuck when they want to have a kid, fine.

They both have compatible ideas and expectations about sex. True love feels so much better than sex ever could, because it genuinely means something. Awww, let me tune up my cello and play Pachelbel's canon. Sex by itself is awesome (most of the time) Sex with someone you truly love is FUCKING AWESOME!

Someone gave me some advice that I thought was really cheesy when I first heard it.

"If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they're yours;

If they don't they never were." It is not cheesy, it is true.

Here is one of my favorite Quote: s : Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me. -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I once received similar advice from my friend Sean : " If you love something, set it free and if its meant to be, you just- you take it back and...

It comes... and if she doesn't come back, I'd go for her friend in the sweater.

I know she's a few pounds overweight but in my experience, it's the bigger ones that do way more stuff.

"

Get a new girl. You may break her heart, but hearts need breaking. Ironically, I'd bet that she bangs the hell out of her next boyfriend.

You're 20, not 40.

It's not a big deal that you're a virgin.

It'll happen when and how it's suppose to happen.

It will either be gradual or all at once.

Your biggest problem right now is worrying that you should've already done it.

If you really can't handle the unrelieved sexual tension, then break up and find a girl who'll remove your pent up stress.

It's as complicated and simple as that.

I don't have much pent-up stress.

Porn helps actually and some times I'm not really horny at all.

Sounds like, except for the 'no sex' being distressing at times, you've got a pretty good relationship.

Yes, the relationship is great actually

Thats really good to hear.

:) It saddens me that most people in this discussion can't fathom that you can have an amazing relationship without sex.

Yes, sex is great, blah, blah, I agree, but there is so much more to a [good] relationship than sex.

I would be happy for the rest of my life, even if I could never have sex with my wife again.

Would it be a bit frustrating at times?

Maybe. Would I cheat on her, or break up with her for another woman?

Not a chance. Her laying in my arms, is more than enough.

I'm nominating you for the "Sanest person in this thread" award.

I- I... Am just so happy.

I would like to thank my mom, and my dad, and my darling wife... But yea, thanks :)

I used to feel like that, back when I didn't have sex, back when I thought I loved my girlfriend of 5+ years who very rarely had sex with me (and I mean less than you could count on one hand PER YEAR).

Then she cheated on me.

Then I found out very quickly that most other women love sex.

Not only do they love it they tend to love it even more than I do!

And beyond that I realized there were much better people all around who treated me much better in every way not just in bed. I never realized how much things sucked until I realized how much better they could be.

I've been with a few different girls now and let me tell you, that girl I loved so much and was ready to marry after 5 years: she is hands down the worst of them all. I think that is why so many redditors are saying just leave her.

Because we realize that there's so many better and different things out there.

That this poor 20 year old probably thinks he loves this girl just because he's lonely (like I was) and doesn't realize how many other people really would date him (like I didn't).

There's likely so many people telling him to protect himself because they've been through what I've been through - they know what it's like to waste an important part of your life on someone not worth it EVEN if you think she's worth it at the time.

When they break up he's going to be bitter about her for a long time, he's going to think "god damn it I never should have dated that chick."

While I can agree to most of you reply I cant swallow this: When they break up he's going to be bitter about her for a long time, he's going to think "god damn it I never should have dated that chick." You do not know the OP's personality for sure, and you cannot guarantee that breaking up will be a good thing for him.

While it was great for you, and I applaud you for that, he is in his own unique situation, which while it looks similar to your experiences, is not the same.

He is not you, and his girlfriend is not your ex.

Breaking up could end up being the worst regret of his life.

Relationships can be delicate, and such a harsh action could bear dire consequences for him.

This is true, and I'm not saying he should just break up with her because we say so.

I just think he should consider the options and what people are telling him. There's definitely some major advantages to marrying your first big love.

While you're often blind to reality, what you don't see doesn't hurt you as bad.

I wasn't as upset about not having sex until I found girls who would - now I wouldn't bother with one who wouldn't.

She was controlling and while that bothered me it wasn't enough to break up over - but now I would never date someone who was like that again. I have a few friends who have married their first loves, and I have a few who have had similar experiences to mine.

On one hand I like knowing what I was missing.

I like knowing that I can find more people and that she wasn't the only one who would like me.

On the other hand I find that every girl I date, especially ones I start to really care about, seems to make me less willing to commit to anyone. Now I know what I'm missing.

So now if you're bad at one thing I can think of other girls who were good at it.

Of course I'm not going to be ridiculous about it, no one is perfect and I just want someone to love - but I find that the more breakups you have the harder it is to reattach. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. edit - Besides if there's anything I've learned from my own struggles and being there for all of my friends struggles it's that it hardly matters what any of us tell him (if at all).

When my girlfriend cheated on me it was done in the most ridiculous way possible (she literally forced me to fly around the globe for her while she was cheating on me).

Every bone in my body and every person I ever spoke to told me to just never speak to her again, did I listen?

Of course not. I tried to rescue the only thing I knew.

We all do that. We all end up acting like idiots regardless of what people tell us.

Some lessons have to be learned through experience.

It's up to him to gauge how long he's willing to wait and therefor how much of his life he's willing to risk being sexless for.

What a great response.

You are very insightful.

I look forward to more discussions with you :)

Why thank you! In all my years here that may just be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me without being sarcastic.

You are now my only reddit "friend" congratulations!

;)

Wait till you have sex, you'll try to sneak a fuck any chance you'll get.

Does she have a problem with you watching porn/masturbating?

I have been in a very similar situation.

I was a Christian at the time, so that had much to do with it, but I was also young and passionate.

I dated and got engaged to a guy who my parents basically picked out, who was fun, attractive, and easy going.

Unfortunately his parents were total control freaks and constantly treated him like an irresponsible child (he was in college).

My parents for their part were a bit more relaxed since they trusted me but still had a very severe religious agenda. I never kissed him on the lips, never had sex with him.

We broke up after about 2 years, I got together with my childhood sweetheart and realized that the reason that I never did those things with my ex was because I had never really loved him.

All along I was trying to do the right thing and pushing myself to have an approved relationship with a "good" guy but the spark just wasn't there. I'd suggest that you back off from your girlfriend a little bit;

Give her space, maybe date other people a little bit, and see if it's really a lasting love or just something you guys are doing. It's also been suggested that she has abuse issues;

This is entirely possible and I myself dealt with some (emotional) abuse issues before I had a healthy sex life.

Maybe you could gently bring this up.

I was a Christian at the time, so that had much to do with it... The more I read stories like this, the more I'm convinced religion is a form of psychological child abuse.

Well, the "courtship" system is very badly designed for the modern era.

It sets up the relationship as valid only because the two young people are supposedly going to get married, which is frankly pretty terrifying when you are 18 and immature and very excitable.

It's like saying you're intending to lock yourself into this relationship FOR EVER.

And dating, because of its emphasis on trying multiple partners, is seen as some kind of gateway to infidelity or divorce.

It's pretty unfortunate especially since you aren't supposed to try sexual partners out either;

So basically you're going into the marriage having explored ONE option.

Completely impractical.

Worse than completely impractical: completely stupid .

Err... I am not sure this is the best advice.

While it seemed to work out in your situation, I am not sure the "date other people and see who you like better" tactic is the best way to solve the OP's situation.

He has said many times that he really loves the girl, and I think we should respect that, and stop trying to tell him that he doesn't.

Breaking up and fooling around with other people will likely do more harm than good to the situation, if they really do love each other.

I truly appreciate the fact that you're bringing a very romantic view of things to this post, but I can't help but think you're being extremely unrealistic.

It is not op's job to fix his girlfriend.

If (or should I say, when) this issue becomes harder to ignore, he's better off leaving if his girlfriend can't gather the courage to stand up to her family, or make some attempts to explore her sexuality.

I have said this before elsewhere, but why does everyone think she needs to be "fixed"?

I don't see anything wrong with her.

If she was abused, yes I could see that, but the OP says otherwise.

This woman just operates differently than you think she should, but that does not mean it is wrong, or that she is "broken". Honestly, every person has something "wrong" with them, from some point of view or another, and every relationship will have some issue that the pair will have to work through as a couple.

Helping your significant other to overcome an emotional obstacle is hardly "fixing" them, it is being a good partner. If the OP is willing to work through this obstacle with her, then I believe they are a perfect match.

OP said above that he thinks he should leave her but doesn't have the emotional courage to do so.

Can I get a link to that?

I read all the comments top-to-bottom, and definitely did not see that.

Http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/99q2e/i_have_been_with_my_girlfriend_for_2_years_we/c0bxj7j

Your correct, I definitely missed that one.

It seems to contradict everything else he has said, so maybe he is caving to the pressure in this thread?

I am not sure. I still stand by my comments, and I will say that it may or may not be the right thing.

As well as other suggestions may or may not be.

I'd have to say that if he really does love the girl, dating other people isn't going to change much.

In fact, it might be a very healthy way to understand his love for her.

He doesn't have to have sex with other people, I'm not suggesting that's the proper way to do it.

But just have a few relationships.

Seriously, if she's not religious, and she's a 21 yr.

Old virgin who thinks sex is disgusting...she's either been abused or she's gay.

Either way, sounds like a no win.

Don't ever assume that you can fix someone.

She is who she is.

And you wouldn't be on here talkin' to us about it, if you didn't feel differently (natural, healthy) about sex.

That being said, if you break up with her, do it clean.

Don't linger around waiting to see if she'll give it up under pressure...no ultimatums, just move on.

She's not gay neither abused.

Her parents are extremely strict and think sheltering her from life for the longest amount of time is the best they can do. I don't think I can fix her, she needs no fixing.

I'm pretty sure that in a place without her parents constant control she would become wild

Well then by all means get your own place together and take your relationship to the next level.

But don't let it stagnate because of external circumstances.

You don't need a house...a little studio apartment can be afforded by two working people, even if they work at McDonalds.

We are studying right know.

College is kind of different here.

People don't live at College, you live at home and when you finish you move out. I'd love to live with her but culture here is very conservative and her parents would totally oppose it.

Interesting...So you're not an American?

Where are you from?

I'm not sure why we didn't ask this before, it can make a HUGE difference in what you can and can't do.

I prefer not to disclose for privacy issues.

Culture is similar to Americans, a little more conservative in some aspects but not very much.

I would like to move out right now but I would be stuck living on $300 a month without a degree. Her parents are the problem who can't tolerate the idea of their "kid" having sex

As a parent myself, I can tell ya that I'm not thrilled about the prospect of my kid someday having sex with someone in my house.

You've gotta look at it from their perspective...there's an "ew" factor, that you don't get.

Having said that, if you're in a position where you can't move out, and that's a non-negotiable thing consider this.

From the time when I was 15 to the time when I was 20 I lived either at home with strict conservative parents, or in a dorm that was basically locked down at night.

No guys allowed. Period.

And I was sexually active...really active.

If there is a will, there is a way, my friend.

I've gotten busy in movie theaters, parks, the roof of the library, out in the woods, even a church .

And I live in the most conservative possible place in the entire US.

So I'm not entirely sure I buy the whole 'we can't' argument...that is unless you could get killed for doing such a thing.

BTW, I wasn't asking for directions to your house or anything...just a general answer would suffice.

How could I possibly know where you're coming from, if I literally have no idea where you come from?

While they may literally be able to have sex, I am not sure that is something that either of them are comfortable with.

While it might be great in your mind, they may not see it that way.

From the sounds of things, I doubt the right place for them to "kick things off" is a public location.

Its a matter of personal preference I think.

Can you stop pretending that you can answer for the poster?

He is perfectly capable of saying what he feels comfortable with by himself.

I am not "Answering for the poster", I am giving anyone willing to read, my opinion on the situation, as are you.

If you do not like my opinion, you do not have to read anymore of it.

As a parent myself, I can tell ya that I'm not thrilled about the prospect of my kid someday having sex with someone in my house.

You've gotta look at it from their perspective...there's an "ew" factor If you can't get past such "ew" factor, you have no business being a parent.

I can get past it just fine if I don't have to wash the sheets in the morning...lol...I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to ask their kids not to have sex in the house.

We're a generation of people who had to either sneak around or get our own place in order to enjoy that freedom.

I think it teaches resourcefulness and hopefully, instills a sense of responsibility that causes them to take care of themselves when they're adults instead of living at home indefinitely.

I think it teaches resourcefulness and hopefully, instills a sense of responsibility Teaching and instilling resourcefulness and responsibility is a very important thing, doing so by forbidding them to have sex at home is plain stupid , and it is bound to give (and reinforce, as this whole story shows) the completely wrong impression that somehow sex is something specially 'dirty' or 'objectionable'. By all means, don't make their food, don't give them an allowance, don't wash their sheets any morning, or even kick them out of the house.

All those things will instill resourcefulness and responsibility.

Mixing sex into it just helps perpetuate an abominable social tradition that results in much more damage that what is being discussed in this story.

| Culture is similar to Americans, a little more conservative in some aspects but not very much. Saudi Arabia?

I think you can safely disclose the name of the country in which you live without privacy concerns.

Europe/Asia? Latin America?

Latin America

Oh, god, there sure are some fucking retarded conservative morons in Latin America.

Get away for a weekend.

She can tell her parents she's staying with friends or traveling with friends or whatever.

Take a roadtrip to a nice destination.

Have a romantic dinner somewhere (or have a picnic in your hotel room if you can't afford eating out).

Make out. Sleep together (as in close your eyes and cuddle, not sex).

Don't push boundaries unless she wants to. If her parents won't let her be away overnight even with friends, take a day trip somewhere.

Rent a hotel room and arrange for a couple's massage (you'll be covered, on separate massage tables with a pair of masseuses).

After the massage, cuddle and smooch in bed.

Then go back home. Go on a camping trip.

Share a tent. Let her take the lead with regard to deciding what you do, but gently give her choices.

Make sure they're all baby steps. Basically: find a way for you both to have some privacy outside of your homes to have some more time to be together in physical ways and let things progress gradually.

Respect her boundaries but also don't be afraid to gently and slowly introduce her to new things.

Reassure her that she's beautiful, you love her, and you want her to feel comfortable and ready for whatever steps you take, and you will wait for her to get to that point.

Her trusting you and not feeling pressured will ensure that your emotional relationship will stay strong as your physical relationship moves into new territory, and she'll be more likely to open up to you if she is comfortable with the situation. When you do have sex, use contraception.

One method is not enough.

Use two or even three methods to ensure that you minimize the odds of conceiving.

Look into the Fertility Awareness Method to learn about how to know when she is the most and least fertile.

A good book for this is called Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

If she grew up with her sex talks consisting of "just don't do it", chances are she doesn't know a lot about her and your reproductive systems.

IMO, understanding this is a vital part of sexual awareness.

Help her get up to speed with this knowledge. You sound like a really sweet , compassionate guy.

She's lucky to have found you.

All the best to both of you.

Who gives a fuck what her parents think?

She is a human being, she has a right to do whatever the fuck she likes with her life.

I hope it materializes for us but I'm not sure :(

Man speaks truth.

So where did you get your degree in psychology?

Your wife is not his girlfriend.

While this is your relationship, it in no way reflects upon how his relationship will play out.

I actually do think people should wait as long as possible to have sex, should only have sex with people they truly have affection for, and stay monogamous. Ok, so you are a total fucking retard, that explains a lot. (And for the record, I sued to have some vaguely similar ideas at some point, but it was rather obvious how retarded I was.)

DAmmmn 10 Times!

As I said in my other comment, we waited to have sex, but we talked about it all the time. This is so fucking stupid .

Her parents are extremely strict and think sheltering her from life for the longest amount of time is the best they can do. There is only a solution to this, and it is rather simple too: she should move out, her parents have clearly traumatized her more than enough already.

I'm pretty sure that in a place without her parents constant control she would become wild Well, that is the perfect piece of evidence to show that she needs to move the fuck out of her parents place .

I'm pretty sure that in a place without her parents constant control she would become wild From experience: doubt it.

That is an awful lot to assume there, Dr.

Phil. Ever cross your mind that people have different thoughts, feelings and opinions as you?

Maybe she is not ready to have sex yet.

Maybe she would like to wait until marriage, and make their bond more symbolic?

Maybe it is some other reason?

While he may not be able to "fix her" (and I don't see it as something needing "fixed") people do change a lot over time.

When she is comfortable, she will come around.

Yeah, you're right, his situation seems to be different than what I first supposed.

Luckily he's a patient enough person to talk to me and set me straight...can't see how that would be your place though.

She has a similar sex drive as me.

I'm not really aroused all the time but sometimes I want something a little more intimate than kissing. strict abstinence is a trauma. Yes, 3 years of abstinence-only education only fucked up things more

GET THE FUCK OUT.

A girl who hasn't given anything up in two years isn't going to.

I am willing to bet your sex drive is fine and that you are doing the dick equivalent to letting the engine idle because you don't know what to do.

If you got some skank hoe to rev it up you'd be banging like rabbits in no time.

It is one of those things that you might think you are totally fine without it and then once you do its much more awesome than you thought.

Like getting drunk and wrestling bears.

The fact that comments like this get upvoted makes me want to leave Reddit.

Hey! nothing wrong with getting drunk and wrestling bears.

True, you die, but its kinda fun for the first few seconds..

Good, reddit will become a better place with less uptight obnoxious fools.

Then do it. No one would notice.

Comments like yours are even more obnoxious.

Everyone threatens to leave reddit all the time like anyone would care.

BAWW A FEW THOUSAND PEOPLE DONT MEET MY EXACT EXPECTATIONS.

WOE IS ME.

My wife can't be with me sexually without her mind telling her it's wrong. She should sue her parents for psychological abuse. I'm serious.

... So are you saying if you could go back in time, you would ditch your wife for someone more horny?

If so, I really hope she doesn't read reddit.

For your sake.

Not everyone is as closed minded as you.

Not everyone in reddit is as promiscuous as you.

What the fuck does promiscuousity has to do with being open minded? One could be a fucking celibate monk that has no problem with other people doing whatever the fuck they like with their sex lives.

What geographic/ethnic culture does she hail from?

I prefer not to disclose

I'm not saying that yr GF is from some Eastern culture, and I'm not saying that she has _ Princess Syndrome, but perhaps you should find a dirty Western girl.

There are plenty.

We are talking about his possibly future wife here, not his fuck doll.

Grow up.

Can't you at least give a country?

It's a big world out there, and reddit's got a lot of people from a lot of different places, so you'll blend right in.

If you're worried someone will recognize you, it's a little late, considering all of the personal info you've divulged here.

Do you want to have sex with her, not sure if anyone has asked you that, apologies if they have?

He hasn't answered, but ill update you.

From what I read, he does want to, but its not like a dying urge or anything.

He is okay without it for the time being.

I disagree with many ppl here that you need to dump her, unless you don't have the patience to deal with it, but I do think she needs professional help.

Obviously it's natural to have sex, and she shouldn't feel disgusted by it.

But I'm sure being raised in such a way can have a negative psychological impact.

I'm a female who was raised in a domineering family that believes sex = bad...really, really bad.

I'm not a virgin, but I do have issues when it comes to sex, and much of it has to do with my upbringing.

Coincidentally starting tomorrow, I'll be visiting a shrink to help me sort out all of these problems.

Anywho, best of luck to you and your girlfriend.

Thanks, no offense taken.

I too agree there needs to be a level compatibility in order for it to work.

Also, she may feel that sex is disgusting because that's how she was raised, but she needs to know that it isn't.

I think that's where the professional help needs to kick in.

:)

Yes, I agree with this completely.

Every person has one issue or another.

No relationship is without its flaws.

If any of you expect to have a flawless relationship, you are going to be very very unhappy in life.

I do think she needs professional help. What she needs to do first of all is get away from those abusive and insane parents.

As people have told me time and again after complaining about my parents, "You can't change people, you can only change yourself." I'm guessing her parents, like mine, love her to pieces and don't realize the damage they've caused.

Mine aren't insane, just EXTREMELY conservative.

Well, I guess to some people that counts as insane, haha.

It does count as insane, and of course all parents 'love' their children, that doesn't mean that they are any less abusive and that they are in any way qualified to be parents.

He has a valid point guys.

I wouldn't say that ALL parents love their children, but 99% of the time, they do.

Sometimes they are just too fucked up to realize they are hurting their kids.

We'll just agree to disagree since you kinda called my parents insane, which they are most definitely not.

You are free to be in denial about it, my parents were insane, most parents are, it is almost required to be insane to decide to have children (although my parents were a bit of a special case, they were totally fucking insane and lacked a shred of responsibility, but again, I have seen quite a few other parents like that).

What she needs to do first of all is get away from those abusive and insane parents. This should be the top comment.

She's of age. Move out.

While I agree, its not always that simple.

My wife was raised in an extremely controlling Muslim family.

She chose to move out (or "run away" as her parents called it, but she was 19 at the time) in order to live with me.

Her dad dis-owned her, and she will never have a normal family relationship again, which is a lot to sacrifice, even if your family tries to control you. It might sound like it was easy for her to get away, but she honestly believed that if her father found out where she was, he would kill her, and I don't doubt it at all.

Hes very insane Muslim, and I am sure he believes in pride killings.

Never said it was easy, or that it would even work.

But it's the only way to reduce the influence of the 'rents.

Ok :)

It might sound like it was easy for her to get away Just because something is not easy doesn't mean that it is not the right thing to do.

Life was never supposed to be easy.

Finally, something I can agree with from you :) (We seem to be very different people). Your statement is very correct, but what more that she may have a hard time giving up her family relations, and that is a big weight in the decision to move away or not.

Isn't that sweet.

You guys are saving yourselves for marriage. That's fine, you're both in your 20s - Get the fuck married, get away from her folks and get on with your lives.

She thinks sex is disgusting, but if you do it right, take your time, and pleasure her, she'll turn into a nympho and you'll have to post a craig's list ad requesting backup. Seriously.

Get married, move 1000 miles away and get on with your lives.

Wow. Terrible advice.

They're far too young to make that kind of decision. They really need to get some life experience before tying the knot.

Marriage usually means less sex, not more.

How did our great grandparents ever manage to reproduce with such prudish sexual mores and strict moral codes?

It boggles the mind.

Actually, our grandparents had sex before marriage just like us.

Would you mind placing a sarcasm tag on that post above you?

I can't quite reach it.

Marriage usually means less sex So are you married, or are you just basing this on all the sitcoms you have watched?

I'm married, and Id say your wrong.

I'm not married. I'm getting this information from married friends. Sex often becomes a matter of "going through the motions," usually just for the endorphin release or procreation. I'm not saying that it isn't enjoyable, but it's not as enjoyable as the sex he could be having with a number of young, flexible girls.

Young and flexible is not everything young padiwan ;) If you fall in love with a woman one day (I mean REALLY fall in love), you will realize that there is much more to it that you have been missing.

No amount of youth or flexibility can replace the love my wife and I share.

Marriage usually means less sex, not more. its just a piece of paper man

I'm speaking of the concept behind that piece of paper. Most people consider marriage to be a life-long union, or at least that's how they intend it.

Life long unions mean you can't have sex?

While I think your advice is decent, you always have to consider her feelings.

If she is very close to her parents, moving away can be a difficult choice. Also, depending on the culture, getting married so soon could have some harsh social consequences.

What are your thoughts on the health care reform plan?

I think it should be done

I like your style.

So you are living with her parents?

Or your parents? And not in the US?

These things are kind of important since we're all picturing her as some kind of sexually repressed freak.

If you live in a country with a more repressive attitude towards women and you have no privacy then this is much more believable. Have you talked to her about this?

I assume once you get married and move out you guys will be banging.

Or you'll find out she has a penis. If I were you I wouldn't get married until you know you two are sexually compatible.

But I'm not you so...

Good luck.

I had the same experience back when I was dating a girl freshman year of college.

Neither of us a religious and we both lived in the dorms, so parents weren't really a factor.

However, she seems to be afraid of sex for some reasons.

We ended up going as far as "pleasuring" each other with our hands (she was against oral sex also...) before the end of the relationship, which lasted a year and a half. So, I definitely understand where you're at, and sometimes you just have to talk to her about it.

Life's too short to be in a relationship that you're not fully happy with.

He never said he was unhappy, and, actually he said his relationship is quite happy.

Well, the fact that he made this post clearly shows that something is missing in the relationship.

I don't think so.

People write IAmA's to share a unique situation with others who may have questions about it.

Reddit seems to think this one is a cry for help.

Maybe he just wanted to contribute to the IAmA community, and this was something he thought people would like to know about? If he says he is happy, I have no reason to think otherwise.

Rent a hotel room? If she isn't religious and her family isn't religious, why does she think sex is disgusting?

Or afraid of it? Do you suspect any trauma, as a lot of Redditors would?

O_o This sounds like me, only I'm younger.

Reading all these comments, does this mean anyone who is similar to this is screwed for life?

Only if you are dumb and let things stay this way.

Why are IAmAs turning into AskReddit threads?

Extended Stay America.

It saved my relationship when I was staying at home with over-protective parents.

Check in, two hours later check out.

Say you're going to Six Flags or something.

For a first time it might be too quick and dirty, but getting rid of your virginity under duress, no matter what the situation, can turn out this way.

You guys just need to have sex already.

I say just take her in a car some place and really just go for it.

Let her know it's alright, but don't rape her. But really, you need to get going with this or leave it.

It will suck if you are that lonely, but you'll be free to focus on your life unattached to anyone.

So if you do meet someone casually, you can go off and fuck or get together and fuck for awhile.

Fuck your brains out, whatever, move on.

If your girl comes around and you're still interested, then drop whoever you're with (if it's not working out) and go back. But you have to trust that she's got problems to work out on her own and you can't hold her hand through everything.

However, she'll need a dude (hopefully you) or someone else to have sex with.

You could convince her that you would both have your first times together..

And that is one reason to do this.

You can't wait!

Her parents are extremely over protective and won't let us stay alone together in a room with a bed. Trust me.

You don't need a bed to have sex.

When are you going to come out of the closet?

Uh, so? What are we supposed to ask you?

21! Shit.

Http://passionatemarriage.com/ Seriously.

"Couples therapists often specialize in one or the other--sex or the relationship.

It's a ridiculous separation says marital and sex therapist David Schnarch, who believes sex is the all-telling barometer of a love relationship.

Schnarch's fundamental lesson is differentiation--the often threatening process of defining yourself as separate from your partner, which inevitably draws you closer to your partner than you ever dreamed possible."

EDIT: just realized my throw away account kind of read like three-way.

Not intented Damn, I was really hoping for a thread about how you never had sex but she really wants a 3way with you.

I think it's honorable that you have not had sex with her because she does not want to and that you have not left her because of it.

What a decent guy.

However, I think that because the reason is not because of your religious morals, it is a bit rare.

The fact that she thinks sex is disgusting is a problem because it's not.

Most girls(like myself, who are also virgins) do not think sex is disgusting.

Something may have happened in her past for her to think this way.

Maybe her parents have brainwashed her into thinking that sex is some scary thing when it's not.

I do think it's odd that you have never have any form of sex together(ie oral, masturbation).




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