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Ask Reddit Men: My boyfriend and I don't always have consistent sex. It makes me feel insecure as a woman. How important is sex to me, and should I be worried? : reddit.com

You're asking us how important sex is to you !?

Why don;t you tell us just how important sex is to you, and there's your answer.

It doesn't have to be consistent as long as it's frequent;

But if you want a real assessment you are going to need to post some pics.

I second that motion.

Nudes.

Here she is: [NSFW]

Does your boyfriend know you're posting this to a room likely to be occupied by neanderthals and pimpleheaded lechers?

[deleted]

Just fine, thanks for asking.

Define "consistent." Are you looking for more quality or more quantity? Also, to fully diagnose your problem, I'm gonna need pics of you and your boyfriend.

Since men are so similar, psychologically, a single headshot of your dude will suffice, but I'm gonna need multiple images of you, full body, from multiple angles.

We usually have sex consistently a few times a week (we don't live together but see each other 4-6 days a week) but of course around my special time, we avoid it and that's okay, but sometimes a week or two will pass where we will see each other, not around my special times, and he just doesn't seem interested, even if I try to engage him.

I understand sometimes he's tired after work and many times in the morning one of us rushes off to wherever we need to be without even thinking about it, but it makes me feel like maybe he isn't interested in me sexually. We have a good relationship, and he is NOT getting any otherwise (I mean he isn't a cheating douche, he's actually a really good man).

I do think he probably masturbates sometimes when I'm not around and maybe this is why he isn't always raring to go when we haven't done it in a few days or a week. I am very sexual and want to have consistent sex, and my last few relationships were actually mostly based on sex now that I think about it, so maybe that's why this is worrisome to me, because he seems less concerned about it than other men I've been with. Also, occasionally we'll have sex but he won't finish (a few times anyway) and I feel like he's just doing it to please me and has no desire to finish himself, and that's cool and all but I want to please him too not just be pleased, I mean that's what sex is about right? I won't lie I am an attractive person but I am not super thin I actually am pretty round, even if it is proportionate.

And you can tell I've had a kid by looking at me, and in the past he has dated really really thin supermodelish types a few times but said he's found women like that to be really cold, not as loving, and more promiscuous than someone who isn't model-ish, although I do know that's what he's attracted to physically of course.

So, what does Reddit think, is this something I should be worried about?

Is this something I should be worried about? In the world of sex, the self-fulfilling prophecy is your arch-nemesis.

Seriously. Relax.

He'll settle in to whatever 'balance' is natural for him with the nookie.

If you want more, you're going to have to take the initiative a bit and get a little Domme for his ass.

Nothing wrong with that, most guys like it when a girl takes initiative. Whatever you do though, don't make "A thing" out of it.

Whatever you think it'll become, it'll become- not because it is, but because you'll make it.

It's human nature. Sex is meant to be enjoyed, not intellectually analyzed to hell.

And this is why im afraid to emphasize ittoo much;

I dont want to cause undue stress

Yet here you are, obviously stressing about it;)

If it's causing stress to you then eventually it'll cause stress to him.

Best to nip it in the bud.

(Was that a pun?) The important thing is that when you bring up the subject try and be as non-confrontational as possible.

Next time he fails to respond to your advances let him know that you "wantz moar sex0r" and then let it drop, do not go into too much detail.

If he asks a question simply answer the question and try not to elaborate too much make forward reaching statements.

Do not apply pressure when first you bring up the subject, that's a good way to mess things up.

Have you just confronted him about this?

You've fucked each other, so there shouldn't really be any social awkwardness for you two anymore. Other than that, the only thing I remember from psychology/Loveline is that certain medications can have profound affects on one's sex drive.

If he's gone on, or off anything lately, that could be a problem. " I do think he probably masturbates sometimes when I'm not around " It's funny how most women think their boyfriend/husband gave up masturbation as soon as they got pussy.

Protip: All men masturbate, even if they're getting consistent pussy.

[deleted]

I have brought it up like twice.

The first time he made an effort and responded to my advances more easily.

The second time i just told him i really like sex and i think its healthy for us to have more of it, and sometimes im afraid to approach him because i dont want to eb rejected.

He was just like, "wow you really put alot of emphasis on sex dont you?" not in a dickesh way just he seemed a little surprised that it seemed important to me. i think his sex drive is pretty normal, he's 37 and he doesnt have any problems getting it up, keeping it up, or anything liek that.

In fact wehn we have sex i like 1-20 minutes tops, but he always wants to keep going and keep going but that hurts me so i dont like to do it forever.

Its weird though, like alot of guys have the morning wood for example and one time he woke up and was ike, god ive had a hard on for the last four hours and it wont go away" and i was like, "weeellll...." but he was like, "eehhh no honey thats ok", like he didnt want me to go down on him or have sex or anything, and isnt that a great way to get rid of a hard on?

So i dunno if he just waited til i left to masturbate or if he just wasnt turned on by me at that moment or was just too tired to do anything... emotionally we are great, i think.

He definitely ist depressed and his work is demanding but he likes his job so its not demanding in a bad way.

Otherwise we get along fine.

I think maybe its sexual, maybe he does want me to dress up like a maid. i know it may sound naive but i really really doubt he's cheating...

We spend alot fo time together and when we dont he's working or we are on the phone alot.

Plus if he is like this with me, where sex doesnt seem as important, i find it hard to believe he would keep me in his life for no reason just so he could cheat on me;

If he was with someone else im pretty positive he'd dump me and go be with that person. im a little afraid to bring it up again, because i dont want to cause stress by making it an issue that we conflict on, but i really want this to work because he really is a fantastic person- im just worried about maybe we are better friends than lovers

Ask him for some quickie action.

Some guys do feel like they need to impress every time, and if that's the case, asking him to keep it short might be a relief.

You'd enjoy it more, certainly, and he might be more responsive to having sex more frequently if he doesn't feel like he has to run his Marathon Program Omega every time.

Yeah, maybe he feels that he has to impress you every time.

Especially if he's had supermodel girlfriends.

I've had that problem.

I'm a "nice guy" and a "pleaser".

I feel it's my duty to be the best lover possible.

Unfortunately, sometimes that makes sex too much of a chore.

It's very liberating to give that up and let my girlfriend do the work.

Often, the sex is better for her when I'm not being so considerate and I just let myself go.

Morning wood is a different kind of hard on;

It is virtually impossible to explain to a penisless one.

Hrph, I've always been too happy to have my morning wood tamed by my lady in whatever way she's up to.

Since you seem to be honestly trying to figure this out, here's more anecdotal info for you: My weight has gone up and down between ~170 and ~230 pounds for the past 20 years.

I find that my sex drive is much reduced when my weight is up and I'm not exercising.

A month or two of exercise and taking off 15 lbs (regardless of my starting weight) does wonders for my libido.

(Seriously -- when I'm too heavy I even stop masturbating, even when I want to.) My 30s in general were piss-poor for sex drive, late 30s in particular.

Once I hit 39 or so it came back.

I think guys go in multi-year cycles.

He might just be in one. He may feel embarrassed that his sex drive is lower right now, and might not really want to talk (or think) about the reasons.

If he doesn't want you to go down on him it usually means he knows his dick stinks from jerking it earlier/last night and he doesn't want you to smell it.

So just bring a washcloth with warm water and clean it up for him, or just go with it and tell him you love stinky cumstain smell and pretend it doesn't smell like day old jizz.

Hey whatever it happens.

Don't feel insecure about it, it's not really a big deal.

Also, i would recommend not asking reddit...

(see other comments)

First thing to consider is what you mean by consistent.

Then how old are you?

How old is he? How stressful is your job/s and/or school?

Does he turn you down when you want sex?

If neither of you have stressful lives and he is turning you down for sex, then there is cause for worry.

Communication is important.

Does he frequently view porn?

If he does, then he may be getting satisfaction from this and looks at sex as too much work.

This needs to be worked on.

I would avoid trying to give him the ultimatum of "porn or me", but rather get him to cut down to a fap or two a week (or if he does it several times a day, then once a day) If he would rather play video games than sex, then you (as a couple - not you specifically) need to get some kind of scheduling or limits.

A friend of my daughter had a guy who was in a clan (some FPS or other) and he played all the time when he was not working, and had tournaments and the whole 9.

She gave him an ultimatum - twice a week with her or they were done - he played video games -- idiot.

Consistent as in at least 3 times a week excluding one week a month. im 26 he's 37 he does not view porn at all he is not that type of guy.

Or he may vew porn but if he does its seldom.

He doesnt play video games at all.

Maybe he does see it as too much work...

Well, to me, it does not look like there is anything serious that needs addressing.

You have two choices, as I see it.

I do not recommend the first choice.

It involves you just taking the bull by the horns so to speak and initiating sex when you want it.

I do not recommend this because if he is really not in the mood and says no, you will really question yourself, rather there is cause or not.

The other option is to talk to him.

Tell him how often you need him.

Tell him you know he is a good man and you know he is not getting it from somewhere else, but it makes you feel insecure as a woman if he does not want you on a regular basis.

If it is the "too much work" thing, then you will just have to initiate the sex.

If he gets a raging hard-on, he will do whatever work is necessary.

If it is stress from work, have "full body" massages.

It will relax the two of you, and you can get the pleasure you need.

It may just be he is getting a little older, and does not trust his body to perform every time, so he just initiates when he knows he can do you justice.

I know what that is like.

If he pleases you, but does not have to please himself, then he may need the help of a little blue pill every now and then.

I have dealt with the getting older thing.

I may be in worse shape than he is, so I am not trying to generalize.

Just talk to him.

Let him know you love him, and understand that he is not a machine. If it is the "not being able to trust his body every time thing", then what the shrink told my wife was take me to an "adult book store" and pick out a toy for you.

Make it smaller than him.

Give it to him to use on you.

He will be the only one who uses it on you and he will know he can please you, even if his equipment lets him down. Also, bear in mind, this is the internet.

Do not just take some random morons word.

Talk to him and/or consult a "health care professional" if you think it may help.

There are also lots of books on this subject.

Well, that is a significant difference in age.

IIRC from health class that men have their sexual peak at 18 - 22 and women peak at 28 - 32.

Which might just mean that you two have different needs at the moment. You could just get yourself a sextoy of some kind and use that to make up the difference.

[deleted]

I could imagine myself eating the same plate of spaghetti for the rest of my life.

I'm the type of of person who only likes one thing.

But if I can't have that one thing it drives me insane.

Yeah, if the spaghetti is hot enough, I'll keep fucking it.

That would burn your penis.

Best to let it cool down a little.

Oh, the pastabilities are endless !

Preemptive rule 34.

Well done.

Dude he is so totally the kind of guy who eats the same thing over and over.

Like, literally. i am always like, didnt you just ahve pizza yesterday?

So i dont think thats it.

He's older and past that "i must sleep with all kinds of women" phase.

Hell he was married for 18 years;

He just isnt that kind of guy

What?

This is information that could help.

We've been together for 6 months just about??

I really dont think thats that long...

Hell he was married for 18 years (not recently divorced that was like 3 years ago) so, 6 months is nothing

You needn't worry.

I have consistent sex with your boyfriend too and while he isn't the best of my customers he is far from the worst and he's a very good tipper at the club.

Ask him to show you some of the tricks I taught him and you will enjoy your sessions as much as I do.

Hahaha that's funny

The balls are in your court.

It's probably because you're fat.

You may think this guy is being mean but its the truth.

Im not taking offense to it.

Im not super thin, im a thick girl i know, but its not like this is new;

He got with me while i was the same size i am now, so really, if he wasnt attracted to me i dont think we'd be seeing each other in the first place, so i dont think its 100% the way i look

I am a little chubby but i've always been the same weight even since i met him;

It didnt stop him from liking me and getting with me in the first place, but even wehn we first got together he waited to sleep with me.

I was really ready to do it and told him so, and we'd make out and get to the point and he'd just back off and say he doesnt like to rush and wanted it to feel right.

Could be im fat and unattractive to him, i dunno.

I got a gym membership last month and just started a program so we'll see (yes i got it because when i wasnt with anyone i wasnt concerned;

Now i want to better myself not just for him but for me, and really my health)

I suggest changing your diet - it is the #1 NUMBER ONE factor in weight loss and getting in shape, you'll feel great after a few days of gym + Good diet, and all the best tasting shit is healthy - you just have to not be lazy.

Best of luck with that.

As for your problem with your boyfriend maybe hes not into it I know when i have sex with someone its like a job to me..., i just try n see how many times i can get them to cum before i do - but thats what makes me love it :D its like an ego boost - but having girlfriends that were into bdsm, ive come to understand that communication is KEY in relationships, so is a good sex life - No one on here will know whats up better than your actual boyfriend, express your concerns, talk to him about it, if your in a relationship you should be able to do at least that.

This sounds more like him;

Like today we had sex and i glanced over my shoulder after like 15 minutes (he was behind) and i saw him just kinda staring off into space, like he wasnt that into it, so we changed positions but still he just seemed really intent on making me cum but not very concerned with getting off himself.

Sentazar do you think maybe he just wants me to be more aggressive?

I dont know what i can do to keep him from getting bored while we're having sex;

I want to be having sex with him, not him having sex to me

The more aggressive and responsive you get, the better it will probably be for him (up until blood starts flowing.) Seeing a reaction is a large percentage of the arousal factor, especially considering that he is most likely a giver.

As much as I'd love to give you advice about him - I don't know who he is, anything about him other than what you've said or his thought process and everyone is different, I have to stress that talking to him is the BEST WAY to know whats up - I can tell you as well however when it comes to sex women enjoy the journey and destination where guys more so enjoy the destination (especially if circumsized the penis is much less sensitive). One thing that MIGHT help, find out what porn he watches and watch it, he probably gets aroused by what goes on inside that and just ask him if he wants to try it with you - And one girlfriend told me i had that staring off into space look like "you're not enjoying it" and she said that's how she knew i didn't love her haha, i guess for me its because i don't emotionally connect to anyone and its all work to me. I'd be glad to keep talking to you about this and offer help where I can if applicable, but i have to stress and theres nothing MORE important than communication between u two in a relationship, if this is really an odd subject for you guys you need to be more open about things.

Best of luck let me know how it turns out

If you look good then he will want more sex.

You probably will also most likely want more sex because you'll feel better about yourself. My wife gained a bunch of weight during a three month period because she was worried about a deployment I was going on.

She has not lost the weight, and things have just not been the same since with regards to our sex life.

Most of it is her reduced confidence.

I would pretty much fuck all day long if I had a partner who was willing.

I really agree with that a woman really has to feel sexy herself its really important, and i do, but i know i could look better, everyone can always improve.

I haven't gained weight since we got together at all, but Im more conscious of how I look because he's in my life, and I think thats probably part of this, me just knowing i could look better and feeling insecure because our sex is hit and miss.

Go for it and make the most of you're gym membership.

There's nothing stopping you from going after that goal.

An hour of sweating every day will improve your life in many ways.

You need to perform oral for no reason at all more often.

Omg every once in a while i will start touching him to get him aroused just so i can sporadically start giving him head but sometimes he is just like, you dont have to do that honey lets keep watching this movie, or something, and it kind of shocks me;

I love giving head he just doesnt always seem interested.

Hell i'd do it three times a day if he asked me to

Well Hello there.

I see this is fascinating, at this point I would go one of two ways because no man turns down a good BJ, unless he has become too casual about it: 1.

Method of BJ, gag reflex, toothiness.

Entrusting that your technique is most likely not the issue.

I would recommend putting your saliva coated thumb up his butt, right when he cums, and jack him off like crazy. You are certain to re-captivate his lust.

I had a past boyfriend who loved this.

I wouldmt mind doing it, but i think he'd freak out if i even said anything to him about it.

What do you think would be a good way to approach this?

If i just did it, he'd probably punch me!

I recommend not talking about it, and work it in a moistened finger right after he has came.

Look at an anatomy chart to figure out your technique.

I hate to break this to you, but this relationship is dead as fried chicken, from where I sit. I see BentSlightly's point about maybe its the technique, too much biting, etc.

Sorry, that's not it.

If it was technique, he'd let you know "easy on the teeth, babe". A man who turns down a free BJ from his woman when all he'd have to do is sit there and let you go at it is either (a) ax-killer crazy (b) hardcore gay or (c) devoted to another woman. Picture a woman turning down cunnilingus from a man whom she loves and who loves to give it.

Before we pass judgement on this fine fellow, let us just acknowledge this simple rule: Not all BJs are created equal.

Hahahaha no it isnt a bad BJ trust me I went to BJ freaking school.

When we first started going out he did like them, alot, and would tell me so.

At first he'd let me do it, but he'd come like super quick, like two minutes and he was done.

[deleted]

Oh, alright, I'll take it back: You're not ax-crazy if you turn down BJs.

But I'd still venture so far as to say that you might have a hang-up, and a rare one at that. Your dick is not filthy, nor is semen .

You're not gay if you tolerate a hint of cum on your lady's breath, and if it bothers you, that's what toothbrushes and mouthwash are for. Studies have even shown that there might be biological reasons for oral sex: Immunological tolerance , for instance.

Oral sex (in which the woman swallows her partner's sperm) helps to prevent Pre-eclampsia during pregnancy.

Basically (I'm not a doctor, by the way) , it seems that when a woman's body has to build a baby using her partner's DNA, being regularly exposed to the proteins in his semen helps her body to learn those proteins better so they can be reproduced more effectively in the fetus and not be rejected by her own immune system.

That's a nutshell explanation. Semen also functions as an anti-depressant in women . EDIT : A more thorough examination of the semen as antidepressant angle here I can kind of see the evolutionary sense to that.

It might be nature's way of trying to discourage having babies from 'one night stands', instead encouraging the kind of man who will stick around for the long haul, and hence take care of his family, increasing the likelihood of his offspring's wellbeing.

[deleted]

"but I just can't break free from the feeling that the moment a woman gets down on her knees to gulp my semen is the moment she breaks her elegance." You answered your own question.

I'm not here to judge, but from my point-of-view, what I think of when I hear that is "hang-up". Or as Robert A.

Heinlein put it: "...a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best.

At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires." That isn't necessarily definitive.

I'm sure there's bisexuals out there who think of straight-only or gay-only as being "hung-up". I'm in too deep to your head, so just forget what I said.

If it bothers you, take it to a therapist.

If it doesn't, well, enjoy your choices then!

I don't know your boyfriend or how he was raised, but there could be too much of that, "I'm going to treat my girl like a princess" thing going on.

It works in two ways - some it is classical shit about putting woman on a pedestal and part of it is shame about treating women like sexual objects. It's a possibility.

It's for you to deci[de. [Edit - Read your other posts.

This post probably has a negative possibility of existing.]

So... what's your number?

I was gonna give this thread a try but bawahahahhaahaha nice try troll, there's no guy who'd turn down getting head

I know its weird huh?

And i also just realized i put "me" in the title, not "men" gah

On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say your concern toward sex is about a 9.

Lol meaning i should be very concerned or not at all?

Not knowing your boyfriend it's impossible for me to saw what you should do.

I can only tell you to talk to him.

Nothing is going to get solved by stressing over the situation and the longer this issue goes unresolved the bigger of an issue you're going to make it.

Try not to make him feel threatened but let him know that this is important to you.

Yeah, just talk to him about it.

It's much better to just talk about things then to contemplate and let it stew in your head.

Just figure it out directly.

Come here baby i'll show u a good time




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