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Money, money, money..

My husband and I spent the last day and a bit with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend for his graduation (along with their dad).

This involved a couple of meals out, some drinks out, and a few taxi fares.

(NB – my BIL and his girlfriend chose the restaurants and pubs.)  We all know that my BIL and his girlfriend are not that well off and we weren’t intending to let them pay for much of anything.

I think they paid for one taxi fare (around £10) with the rest of us between us picking up the bills for everything else.

I have no complaints about this, it was our choice to pick up the bills because it was his graduation and we know that he doesn’t have a whole lot of money at the moment. What I did find bizarre and rather uncomfortable was that my BIL’s girlfriend kept on bringing up their lack of money.

I didn’t notice it too much at first but, after a while, I realised that she was making some kind of comment about lack of money every hour or so - not specifically about any of the meals/drinks/etc involved in the trip, just general comments.

These culminated in a long rant about how my sister-in-law’s suggestion that we all chip in for a group gift for my mother-in-law (a joint Christmas and birthday gift) was totally unreasonably expensive (either $40 or $80 each couple, depending on which option we went for – they’re in the US, hence the dollars there!).

I realise that that might be considered a lot of money by some people but I really didn’t find the rant very polite.

My sister-in-law is very nice and very understanding  - she made it clear in her e-mail that if anyone didn’t want to go in on the group gift, for any reason, that was absolutely fine, that it was only a suggestion – and so I didn’t really understand why we were being ranted at like this.

All she had to do was ask her boyfriend to write an e-mail to his sister saying, “sorry, we can’t afford to spend that much this year” and I can guarantee that that would have been the end of it.

To add to this, she also talked quite frequently about how often she and my brother-in-law go out drinking with their friends and two short holidays that they’ve recently taken abroad..

They’re also coming to a party that we’re hosting in a fortnight which will entail at least £50-£60 of travel and other expenses ($80-$100 or so).

So, they actually can’t be all that badly off.

I can’t help but come to the conclusion that a) she was going on and on about their lack of money to guilt us into paying for everything while we were there (which is quite amusing given that we had planned to do that anyway) and b) that she just doesn’t see spending money on Christmas/birthday presents as much of a priority, compared to their drinking/travel expenses – which is fine, I just resent it being presented as a general lack of money, when actually it’s about priorities. But, mostly, I resent that her talking so much about their finances has made me think so much about their finances!

I don’t really want to be second guessing everything she says about money and thinking things like, “Hold on, they want on holiday but she keeps saying that they’re really poor?”  I don’t really want to be that kind of person but when it’s such a frequent topic of conversation, it’s really hard to make myself not think these thoughts. Therefore: Is there any polite way that I can get her to stop talking about money so much when we’re together?

I get on extremely well with my brother-in-law and, on previous occasions when she hasn’t talked about money all the time, I’ve enjoyed spending time with her too, so I don’t want this to come between us.

Maybe they feel they SHOULD go to the party (probably after you all treated them to this nice weekend), and perhaps they reasoned "either we attend the party, or we don't do Christmas gifts - not both"? It could also mean that "holidays abroad" = staying in hostels, living on the cheap - not staying at the Ritz or whatever.

It's uncomfortable to keep hearing "we can't afford that, we don't have money for that," but maybe it's at the forefront of her mind right now?

I'm facing/will face some huge expenses, and it's definitely the top thing I think about a good portion of the time.

If I mention "we can't afford that" or "money's tight" to someone close, I wouldn't be doing it out of a way of guilting anyone - I would be saying it because that's pretty much all that I'm focusing on now.

Quote: from: twinkletoes on Yesterday at 11:50:23 AM Maybe they feel they SHOULD go to the party (probably after you all treated them to this nice weekend), and perhaps they reasoned "either we attend the party, or we don't do Christmas gifts - not both"? It could also mean that "holidays abroad" = staying in hostels, living on the cheap - not staying at the Ritz or whatever.

It's uncomfortable to keep hearing "we can't afford that, we don't have money for that," but maybe it's at the forefront of her mind right now?

I'm facing/will face some huge expenses, and it's definitely the top thing I think about a good portion of the time.

If I mention "we can't afford that" or "money's tight" to someone close, I wouldn't be doing it out of a way of guilting anyone - I would be saying it because that's pretty much all that I'm focusing on now. I really don't think they are at the Party Vs Christmas presents level.

They're planning a trip to an extremely expensive country (Iceland) for a week at New Year, they invited us along to (we haven't decided if we're going) and so we actually know exactly how much it will cost and it's not cheap.

That said, I don't doubt that money is genuinely tight for them and that they do have to budget.

I wouldn't actually mind discussing it in a more specific way - they're family, I don't mind discussing budgetting or whatever, but I don't feel comfortable when she's just saying generically "We have very little money", I don't know how to respond to that.

It occurred to me that maybe she's laying the groundwork to hit you up for a large loan.

Quote: from: saki on Yesterday at 10:59:08 AM These culminated in a long rant about how my sister-in-law’s suggestion that we all chip in for a group gift for my mother-in-law (a joint Christmas and birthday gift) was totally unreasonably expensive (either $40 or $80 each couple, depending on which option we went for – they’re in the US, hence the dollars there!).

I realise that that might be considered a lot of money by some people but I really didn’t find the rant very polite.

My sister-in-law is very nice and very understanding  - she made it clear in her e-mail that if anyone didn’t want to go in on the group gift, for any reason, that was absolutely fine, that it was only a suggestion – and so I didn’t really understand why we were being ranted at like this.

All she had to do was ask her boyfriend to write an e-mail to his sister saying, “sorry, we can’t afford to spend that much this year” and I can guarantee that that would have been the end of it.

This part bothers me quite a bit.

It is completely not her call how much her boyfriend spends on his mother.

If she doesn't want to contribute, fine, but this is his mother and he can contribute what he chooses.

Her snarking at SIL is not going to do much to endear her to your family, I think. The other parts I would be willing to chalk up to inexperienced youth, and a bit of naivete.

But her comments about a $40 per person gift for her boyfriend's mother being "totally unreasonably expensive" is completely out of line.

How ungracious to a family that appears to have accepted her as one of their own.

Quote: from: sbtier on Yesterday at 12:23:45 PM It occurred to me that maybe she's laying the groundwork to hit you up for a large loan. Yeah- where's Roe at?

(Is it bad that that's the first thing that popped up?)

Quote: from: ccnumber4 on Yesterday at 12:32:27 PM Quote: from: saki on Yesterday at 10:59:08 AM These culminated in a long rant about how my sister-in-law’s suggestion that we all chip in for a group gift for my mother-in-law (a joint Christmas and birthday gift) was totally unreasonably expensive (either $40 or $80 each couple, depending on which option we went for – they’re in the US, hence the dollars there!).

I realise that that might be considered a lot of money by some people but I really didn’t find the rant very polite.

My sister-in-law is very nice and very understanding  - she made it clear in her e-mail that if anyone didn’t want to go in on the group gift, for any reason, that was absolutely fine, that it was only a suggestion – and so I didn’t really understand why we were being ranted at like this.

All she had to do was ask her boyfriend to write an e-mail to his sister saying, “sorry, we can’t afford to spend that much this year” and I can guarantee that that would have been the end of it.

This part bothers me quite a bit.

It is completely not her call how much her boyfriend spends on his mother.

If she doesn't want to contribute, fine, but this is his mother and he can contribute what he chooses.

Her snarking at SIL is not going to do much to endear her to your family, I think. The other parts I would be willing to chalk up to inexperienced youth, and a bit of naivete.

But her comments about a $40 per person gift for her boyfriend's mother being "totally unreasonably expensive" is completely out of line.

How ungracious to a family that appears to have accepted her as one of their own.

I agree, this was what I was most annoyed at straight after we left them.

But, my husband points out that they are very much (despite only having been together for a year and a half) very much a joint-finance couple - largely due to circumstance, my brother-in-law was unemployed for about six months so she had to pick up many of the joint expenses and I get the impression that they do just pay for everything jointly.

I think that all makes it a bit more of a grey area. That said, I too was mostly annoyed by the stuff said about my sister-in-law, "If I got an e-mail like that, I'd think they were having a bit of a laugh, it's far too much money" being a sample Quote: ..

For a start, she is very nice and did make it clear that the group gift was just an idea, not compulsory and, in any case, I don't think it's ever a great idea to badmouth someone's sister/daughter in front of them, even if you're totally justified.

Quote: from: sbtier on Yesterday at 12:23:45 PM It occurred to me that maybe she's laying the groundwork to hit you up for a large loan. You read my mind.

Now that dang song is going to be in my mind the rest of the day!

Quote: from: Dottyg on Yesterday at 12:53:12 PM Now that dang song is going to be in my mind the rest of the day! Me too    And a couple of pictures of Trump, which I don't need.

OP, this is a person I would not go in on a group gift with.

Quote: from: hope on Yesterday at 01:53:13 PM Quote: from: Dottyg on Yesterday at 12:53:12 PM Now that dang song is going to be in my mind the rest of the day! Me too    And a couple of pictures of Trump, which I don't need.

Actually, I was thinking of the ABBA song.

I think the GF is prioritizing...she would like to spend whatever money they have on her/BIL and not on BIL's family.

I would say, "I'm sorry, but talking about finances really stresses me out.

Let's just relax and have fun, OK?" Because it's absolutely true, and hopefully she would get the hint.

Discussion Title: Money, money, money..
Title Keywords: Money,  money,  money.. 



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