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The Internet Explained - No Chick Trix Forum
Q . What, exactly, is the Internet?
A .
The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q .
Who runs it?
A . A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q .
How can I get on the Internet?
A .
The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular Commercial "on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free.
Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping.
They really want your business.
Q .
What are the benefits of these services?
A .
The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer experience - to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q .
What if I die?
A .
They don't care.
Q .
Can't I cancel my account?
A .
Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q .
How?
A . Nobody has ever been able to find out.
Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on- line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.
We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q .
What if I have children?
A .
You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q .
No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A .
You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q .
Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A .
Millions of things!
An incredible array of things!
No end of things!
Q .
Like what?
A . You can ...
Ummmm ... OK! I have one!
You can chat.
Q .
Chat?
A . Chat.
Q .
I can already chat.
I chat with my friends.
A .
Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q .
Sounds great! How does it work?
A .
Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in.
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports.
At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q .
What are their real identities?
A .
They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q .
Really?
A . No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys.
But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q .
What do people talk about in chat areas?
A .
Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area.
A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives.
Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.
To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket : Hi everybody
Wazootyman : Hi LilBrisket
Toadster : Hi Bris
Lungftook : Hi B
LilBrisket : What's going on?
Toadster : Not much
Lungftook : Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman : Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket : No
Toadster : Nope
Lungftook : Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob : Hi everybody
Toadster : Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook : Hi Uvula
LilBrisket : Hi UB
Wazootyman : Hi U
UvulaBob : What's happening?
LilBrisket : Kinda slow
Toadster : Same old same old
Lungflook : Pretty quiet
Jason56243837 : LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket : OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman : UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob : No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook : Well, gotta run.
Toadster :- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket : Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman : See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob : So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster : Hi everybody
LilBrisket : Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster : Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob : Hi, P
PolypMaster : What's going on?
LilBrisket : Not much
Toadster : Pretty quiet
UvulaBob : Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q .
I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A .
This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GO they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q .
That's disgusting!
A .
Yes.
Q . Could you give an example?
A .
Certainly:
Born2Bone : I want you NOW
HunniBunni : I want YOU now
Born2Bone : I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni : Yes!
YES!
Born2Bone : I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni : OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni : Is something wrong?
Born2Bone : I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni : I'll do it
Born2Bone : Thanks.
Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HunniBunni : Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone : Yes!
Your copious bosoms!
I'm touching them!
HunniBunni : YES!
Born2Bone : Both of them!
HunniBunni : YESSS!!
Born2Bone : I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni : You already did.
Born2Bone : Oh, OK.
You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni : YE !!!
Wazootyman : Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone : No
HunniBunni : No
Born2Bone : I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni : YES!
YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL!
YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman : Hey, thanks
HunniBunni : Not you
Born2Bone : I AM A STALLION!
I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ...
MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni : Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone : YES!
I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ...
YOUR...
HunniBunni : Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone : Yes
HunniBunni : My passion persimmon
Born2Bone : Ha ha!
HunniBunni : You promised!
Born2Bone : Sorry.
OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni : YES!
YES! YES!
Born2Bone : OHHH!
IT FEELS SO GOOD!!
I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni : YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!!
I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone : IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni : Like what?
Born2Bone : IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ...
OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni : TELL ME, BORN2BONE!!
TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone : OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE...
IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni : What did you say?
Born2Bone : Whoops
HunniBunni : It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone : Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni : This is you, isn't it, Al?
ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!!
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone : Tipper?
HunniBunni : Whoops
Q .
Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A .
You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q .
Like what?
A . Barry Manilow.
Q .
There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A .
There's a forum for everything.
Q .
What happens on these forums?
A .
Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too.
And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q .
Just like junior high school!
A .
But even more pointless.
Q .
Are there forums about sex?
A .
Zillions of them.
Q .
What do people talk about on those?
A .
Barry Manilow.
Q .
No, really.
A . OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating.
Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.
Q .
It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A .
It is.
Q . What is the "World Wide Web"?
A .
The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics.
This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals.
Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q .
Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A .
It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models.
All you have to do is fire up your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this: http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum
Q .
What if I type one single character wrong?
A .
You will launch U.S.
Nuclear missiles against Norway.
Q .
Ah.
A . But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!
Q .
Where?
A . Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.
It could take weeks.
Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen.
Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light;
It operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles.
It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.
Q .
Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A .
Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.
Q .
For example?
A . For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words.
You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic;
It's an incredibly powerful research tool.
Q .
That is truly beautiful.
A .
Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet.
Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere.
You should be on there, too.
Don't be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes." So come on!
Join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!
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If I didn't have the internet for too long I think it would be like going cold turkey on some kind of drug, so I'd have to disagree with their view which is oddly distributed online.
Though we did cancel the aol subscription 3 times in this house before it went away.
In fact it waited till the end of the bussiness year to...
Be canceled.
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AOL SUCKS. I was an AOL crony for quite a while until fortune decided to smile on our tiny little shithole of a redneck-plex and a new sheriff came to town....and his name was Verizon.
Now, we have a service independent from the technologically-inept bastards that lurk on AOL!
It's great!
No more:
"LisaB123: hi a/s/l/penis size mm mmmm i want u big daddy"
I should explain that this wouldn't be so disturbing if LisaB123 wasn't actually my next-door neighbor's eighty-five year-old mother.
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You generally have access to most things thought of as aol with any internet connection.
I still have AOL Instant Messanger.
Any other features on AOL are useless or duplicated elsewhere and ussually they do a better job on it.
I particulary hate their commercials bragging about new versions.
I had to suffer through upgrade after upgrade.
Eachone painfully slow to install.
For what? To put more useless buttons in Aol that no one in their right mind uses, to introduce the element of popup ads and various other evils, to let pay you watch movies online (I wouldn't watch a movie with a connectionas bad as aol's even if they were paying me), I'm sure I'm forgetting something but the general trend was to slow it down even further with more money-making schemes.
How much money could those possibly make if I can't even log on to see them 70% of the time, let alone the number of time my connection was dropped without evident reason!
Oh right.
I'm have control of myself...
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* JakeD hands WhatIsOne a morphine IV....
You got a little worked up there, man.
Get it all outta your system?
And the only good thing that AOL ever had was AIM, as far as I'm concerned.
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The downloadable aim that I have is actually better than the built in one in my opinion and its still the worst of the 4 main free instant messangers.
Check out Yahoo! Now that messanger is heaven-sent compared to aim.
It can support webcams, it has better chatroom support, file uploading doesn't prevent you from talking.
You can message people while they are offline and they can recieve and reply when they come back (not the same as away messages: your computer need not be on to recieve messages in yahoo, it has away messages too though), and there's a ton of extra features on it ( I once taught a girl I know geometry through their doodling yahoo enviroment you can run through a yahoo messanger window).
Just so many advantages for it, what has aol ever done right?
Wait... they made millions...
Ok so they have done a good job in the same sense a bank robber does a good job.
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MSN's instant messenger is my favorite.
You can have voice chat, video/audio chat and easily send files to people.
While you can't leave an offline message, you can hook it up to your cellphone and people can message you.
Plus it has the best emodicons.
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I use icq more then anything been using it for like 5 years and havn't had anything to complan about besides getten a lot of porn.
i have a cable modum and ruing a network in teh house so all teh computers are online neat stuff
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I've been using AIM for almost six years...it's hard to give it up when you have six years' worth of buddies on it....
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Quote: :
I've been using AIM for almost six years...it's hard to give it up when you have six years' worth of buddies on it....
Why not use both?
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Quote: :
Why not use both?
I am...
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